After five long years of blogging under, I have finally packed up and moved on. I literally packed up all my blogs from this site and moved them to Wordpress.

Why am I moving after my beautiful five-year relationship with Blogspot? Well, it's pretty shallow, really. There isn't a good app on my phone for Blogger. Sure I have BlogAway app but the interface isn't very nice. I just want to make blogging easier so that I can keep blogging the moment inspiration hits. With BlogAway, it's just such a hassle that I end up not wanting to blog at all.

Actually, I eventually really made the decision to transfer after I read different posts on comparing Blogger and Wordpress. I read somewhere that Google owns my posts vs Wordpress where I own all my content and that somehow brought back the trauma of my Multiply blog. From the posts I read, Google can choose to shut down blogspot and all my blogs would be gone - which is exactly what happened to my Multiply account! I had years of everyday blogs on there and now they are all gone!!! I seriously blogged every single day! I queued posts when I knew I couldn't blog a certain day... I'm that committed to having a post every day! And now that's all gone and I'm never going to let that happen again!

Unfortunately, there are a lot of downsides to my Wordpress account, too. First, my beautiful blog name was already taken so I had to settle with "" Second, I can't customize the themes and I can't add all my buttons and GIFs. And third, I'd have to pay to be able to do all the customization I can do on Blogger for free! And since my site has an audience of one, I don't think it would be a wise investment.

Anyway, so far so good. The Wordpress app is really nice and I've been blogging almost every day since the move. Here's hoping I finally settle down for good on Wordpress.

Bye, blogger! I really did love you!

STORY: Grocery Check Out

Disclaimer: I typed and finished this blog post via the Blogaway app but the stupid app stopped responding and now my long post is gone!!!! I was so inspired to type everything in and now even that inspiration is gone. I am so frustrated now but I'm trying my best to fight it enough to get through retyping the entire thing.

There are some things that can't be captured with words, pictures, or even videos. The emotions and back story built into the people involved in certain moments get lost along the way. Actually, it could just be because I am not as skilled in writing, photography or videography as I need to be to capture said moments. But whatever the case, I still want to try and create a remembrance for certain events. Just like the one tonight.

Before I share what happened, know that the years between Jose and I change what certain things mean, to me at least, versus what a third party would pick up from watching the same situation unfold. The events below seem completely ordinary or unimportant but knowing what I know about Jose and knowing how we are together will change how you imagine everything.

Jose and I were at the grocery, falling in line at the check out counter. We just had a basket of cookies, bath soap, dog food and razors (such a random group of items) so we headed for the 12-or-less-items counter. While I flipped through the magazines on the rack by the counter, the cashier was already scanning the last two to three items of the lady ahead of us. From my peripheral vision, I saw that Jose let the guy behind us cut in line. It was not like Jose at all (If you knew how impatient Jose is, this would be your first thought, too). Jose was the guy who had nightmares of getting stuck in traffic or long lines so I was quite surprised that he just let someone get ahead of us. I asked Jose if the guy was a companion of the lady in front of us, thinking this was why he would let the guy go ahead. Jose then said that it was because the guy had only two items - a bottle of facial wash and a bottle of mouth wash. I found it so nice that Jose did that so I let out an "awwww" like I always do (much to his annoyance). As I did, his resting mad face turned into intentional mad face (Jose always looks mad. I just learned to tell the difference between the resting one and the intentional one).

As we placed our items on the counter, Jose kept trying to conspicuously stop me from expressing my affection (he wasn't very conspicuous, by the way) but I just kept making my "awwwws" more obvious because (1) I find it so adorable how he tries to secretly shut me up and get more annoyed in the process and (2) I'm just really happy when he does random nice things for strangers that I can't help but "awwww" some more (Jose is a nice person ha, just his own kind of nice). A third unofficial reason (it's unofficial because I already know the answer) is actually to see how long he could stay pissed at me when I'm being all cutesy (answer: for as long as I try to be cute. He will never budge, I swear!).

After all the items were placed in paper bags, we walked out towards the parking lot. The rain was pouring hard so we had to wait the rain out in the covered area near the entrance. While waiting, I continued to show my "adoration" over his little act of kindness. I kept nudging his shoulder, squeezing his arm and letting out more "awwws" the entire time. I got so annoying that his intentional mad face turned into serious mad face. It was then I stopped bugging him. I walked to the other side of the covered area and waited for the rain to stop there. A few minutes later, Jose was already standing beside me and asking if I was mad. I wasn't mad but I was too lazy to exert any effort explaining that I wasn't mad so I just went along with it. So he thought I was mad and then he was about to get mad about me being mad... but he noticed the rain. He said that the rain has slowed down a bit and that we could already make a run for the car. So we ran.

The rain was actually still pretty hard so we got soaked. When we got inside the car, we checked the brown bags we were holding and they were also wet. Jose asked if I got my feet wet so I looked down to check. As I did, Jose ran his hand from my face up to my head wiping all the rain water. He then squeezed my cheeks and turned my head to face him then kissed me. I was looking at him (because he was still holding my face towards him) when he said, "Bakit ba ang kulit mo?" then laughed. Before I could answer, he followed his question up with, "Ang kulit mo talaga!" He laughed again so I laughed, too. We laughed for a little while more then we headed out of the parking lot. Next thing I know, we were talking about how foggy the tiny parking lot tollbooth was from the air conditioning. Then that was it.

It's sad that I can't remember all the little moments that happen between Jose and I like the one tonight. I know this moment has no real significance in our lives. It won't affect any of the bigger pieces of the puzzle down the road. But I'd really like to be able to give specific examples when I tell people that I find Jose kind, or adorable, or funny. Not just Jose actually, any person in my life!

I figured that we don't usually remember the specific events that lead us to our overall impression of people. We just remember that someone is funny or smart without remembering the day that person said the joke or that person shared some cool trivia. I know the brain has to free up space to store more important things but still, I'd like to find a way to be able to look back at these passing moments. It's a good thing my blog is here to help me with just that.



STORY: Andy The Island

I think I was just made fun of. I'm not entirely sure. I know that sounds really sad as it is but it gets worse. I was laughing along with them the entire time. It was only after the laughing stopped did I have time to realize what was happening. They were laughing about me not having friends. They were joking about it but if you read between the lines, it was like they were saying I was such a sucky person that's why I had no friends.

Ever since, no one ever really wanted to be my friend. I know a lot of people who everyone wants to be friends with. They're the ones people flock to when it's time to pick buddies for the school trip or partners at a game. The ones you want to sit with at a party or chat with during breaks. The only time people would flock to me was when the activity involved grades or deadlines. People go to me when something needs to be done, never just because.

I can't blame them, though. I didn't make liking me easy. In fact, I think I made it so difficult no one dared to try and like me. I didn't do any of that consciously, if that even matters. Then again, I also didn't do much to make myself likeable when I was made aware of how people perceived me. I just continued to be me. And unfortunately, "being me" is only positive when the "me" being referred to is a nice person. And today, I've finally accepted that I'm not nice and I'm never going to be nice. But even more unfortunately, I realized that that acceptance doesn't mean I'm going to be okay about everything... because I'm not.

So that leaves me here, sitting alone on the concrete seat at the park during high noon (I am literally typing this as my butt overcooks!). I just analyzed everything that I could from the 5-minute laughing spree from 10 minutes ago yet my analysis has left me right where I was before - alone. I've never hated being alone. I love it, even, on most days. But maybe that was just me trying to fight emotions with mind power. Maybe that was how I coped with being alone that I couldn't tell what I think and what I feel. Or maybe that was me taking my dad's words too seriously, "Mind over matter." But what gives, mind? Why can't you help me get over this matter? I can't wait to believe I love being an island again. Hurry now.


THEORY: Dream real, not big.

Finally being in-charge of your life is fun and liberating until one day it isn't. How and when the drastic shift happens is unclear but I just know that one day I woke up thinking "I make my decisions! Help!" from "I make my decisions! Yay!"

When I finally finished school, I had this entire five-year plan scribbled in some imaginary note pad as guide for what my next step in life is. I didn't have to actually write it down because I've been reworking the plan in my head for years that I've got it memorized. I was going to be living on my own, driving a car (doesn't even need to be brand new), working at a nice advertising agency, and going on cool trips time to time.

If you look at where I am now, I've actually achieved all of those things except for the living on my own bit. So I should be happy, right? Wrong. What my five-year plan didn't include was what would happen in the next five years and the five years after that. It also didn't account for taxes and insurance and food and phone bills and all the details that make the five-year plan a reality. I own a car but I struggle to pay for it every month. I don't even bring it all the time because the cost of gas and parking will just eat from what I would use to pay the monthly fee. I go on trips, yes, but I end up poor for the next two months. I get by by packing lunch and stocking on cookies and noodles in the office. I work at an advertising agency and it is fun and exciting and fulfilling but it isn't as fancy as I expected it to be. I don't make as much as I appear to be making. And the work demands more time and energy than I thought it would.

All the decisions I've made so far actually made my five-year plan a reality but it has also left me too poor and frustrated about what to do after the five years are over. I'm a little less than two years away from the end of my plan and I don't know how to move forward. I am afraid to make any more decisions for my own life. Look at where my decisions have taken me? I am even more afraid to make any moves as I can't correct them as easily because I'm running out of time.

What I do at this point in my life will dictate how the next phase will be. I can't dream too big and too short term. I have to dream real and plan for it.I find myself thinking of buying property for a future family, just to be sure I'm covered. I don't want to end up wanting to settle down and panic that we have nowhere to live. I find myself calculating the bills I will have to pay ten years down the line and figuring out how much I need to be making to account for all of it. Because of that, I'm thinking of ways to ensure my pay reaches X amount in X years. I don't want to be struggling month to month with an entire family having to live by noodles and cookies just to make it to the next pay day!

This is all too much and too scary for me. It's also very disappointing that I'm actually in this situation. I thought I had a game plan. I thought I was in control. I thought I was going to do better than the 20-year olds I observed when I was 12 (when I started the first drafts of the five-year plan). I am actually no better. I'm the same broke and struggling and lost person that some 12 year old is observing now. And the unfortunate truth is that in the eyes of the 12 year old, I'm living the dream. No, child. Be better than me. Any fool can dream big but it takes a better person to dream real.