THEORY: Big Time Realization

Do not be fooled by the smiles on this photo.
The blog that follows is a story of disappointment, pain and the difficult process of accepting failed dreams.

I won't bore you with all the details of what happened during the event. If you have good eye sight, you could probably read what the event is from the above photo. If not, then it is the announcement of the Top 15 people who joined the Big Shot contest last June 2010. It's a student film making competition wherein the winners will make a film that will be produced and shown by SM Cinemas. Now the last 2 sentences is the dream, what follows is reality. 

Its pretty obvious that I lost. Up until Thursday afternoon, I knew what I wanted to be, where I want my life to go and deep inside I was pretty confident that what I knew was true. But that Thursday afternoon changed everything. I lost. I wanted to be a film director and I thought I was going to be one someday, a good one but I lost. Even math can tell you that this equation is an error.

I'm not a sore loser. I'm very gracious in fact. i accept my defeat and move on. But this one is different. When i submitted my entry in August and didn't hear a word from SM Cinema for months, I concluded that I lost. I accepted my defeat, accepted that all my hardwork wasn't enough and accepted that maybe it just wasn't my time yet. But one Tuesday night, SM decides to contact me and invite me to the Awarding event. Now, hopeful me expects things to magically change to a happy ending. I thought "Maybe there's hope." "Maybe i have a chance." I get excited and hopeful that this may be my chance. The chance I've been waiting for. So I think of all the things that could happen from how I would react down to what I'll wear. For two days, all the acceptance I've already worked hard on for the 2 months I had to deal without knowing what would happen to my humble film, went away! Suddenly I can't accept that I've lost. I cant accept defeat.
I cant accept failure all because the stupid text I received made me have hope. Ridiculously hopeful in fact. You could probably imagine how high my hope chart went the moment I read the text and you could anticipate its equally drastic downfall later on.

There was a lot of chit chat and "prolonging of agony" during the event before the winners were finally announced. But even before the announcement, I already wanted to leave my seat. I already knew I've lost the moment they showed the AVP of compiled clips from the different entries. When I didn't see a single clip from my film, I wanted to run into a room and cry my heart out but I couldn't. Everyone would see me. I admit I'm a sore loser this one time but I didn't want everyone else in the cinema to know that. So I sucked my emotions in and tried to get through the rest of the programme.

Watching the clips from the other films made me want to go back in time and stop myself from trying. My film, which I thought was already good, looked so pathetic next to the others. I was ashamed, sad, disappointed, and angry, and I don't know why and who to blame. I can't blame SM because it is a contest after all. They can't help creating losers in the process of making winners. I can't blame the other contestants because it isnt their fault they're better then me. I can't blame my family and friends for helping me finish the movie because they were just being kind. So I blame myself for being so foolish. For believing I could make SM believe in me, believing that I was better than the others and for believing that I was really any good.

I am such a "once upon a time" storyteller so I can make this long sad story turn into a happy ending. I always do that, but sadly that isn't always true. I just force happy endings into my stories because I want my stories to be happy. But I won't force this to end happily because I want to face this "realization" with the cold hard truth. No more sugar coating or happy endings just raw emotion.

I've never cried over losing a contest before... until now. I tried hard not to cry. A tear rolled down my cheek and I tried to suck it in but the moment Jose started asking me what was wrong, I just burst into tears! I was just so hurt. Its like my master plan crumbled and I had to start from scratch. I questioned everything thing I considered good and realized that everything I've done has gotten me nowhere. If I was any good i should have gotten somewhere by now. By this age, my professors had already been working in the industry... the bigshot contest was what I was waiting for to get me started, to get me in the industry. But again, I lost. Its over for me. Its the end of the line. The doors have closed. And no matter how many windows open, it wouldn't matter. Because the room is already full with all the people that came through the door. The people who deserved to get in (and the isn't me).

How do I dream now? What's my master plan? I always held on to "film director" as my identity, as my goal and as my dream so everything I've done has all been directed to the realization of that "identity." But now that reality has crushed that dream, I'm lost. I don't know where to go from here. When you've build dreams around one big dream all your life, you can't help but question if there is anything more outside that big dream. I'm lost, I'm hurt and I'm confused. I'm a wanderer, wind without direction... and for someone as perferctionist as me, this sounds like the end... and maybe it really is.

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