STORY: The Curse

It really gets pretty irritating how everything always ends up on my shoulders. I don't know if this is a problem I share with others out there or its something I'm going through alone but whichever of the above it is, it sucks that I have to experience it. 

This "curse" has been on me ever since I can remember. Without me noticing, I end up leading a group (which is a good thing for me). I make the calls, I facilitate meetings or discussions and I am the spokesperson of the group. However, at one point I become the sole "doer" of the group. Everyone waits for me to move before they do. If they're late to a meeting, the meeting proceeds but if I'm late (which happens rarely) or can't attend at all, the meeting doesn't go on or is delayed until I arrive! Many times do I get disappointed that after an hour of meeting ahead (since I'm still busy with another thing), they just start to get down to business when I get there. What a total waste of time, right?

Without them attending meetings or submitting their part, they can come to class confident that the group could present something. The burden to make sure that that happens always falls on me... each and every time. There are a few times that I force myself not to care about the group and simply do my part. One time, I let somebody else compile the group's work, and let someone else coordinate with the other members but that didn't end up so well. I ended up getting to class and finding out that no one took the initiative. No one assigned me to do the job nor did I tell them that I have accepted the responsibility in the first place so I shouldn't I feel bad for not doing the task, right? But they just assumed that I would do it... like always. So I felt somehow this is a problem I had to fix FOR THEM. In the end, I still was the one who made the presentation and just as the teacher/professor got in. 

There are also instances when I would shut up in a discussion and let others facilitate. Sometimes I feel that others think I'm hogging the spotlight and that I'm always taking command so I try to keep a low profile BUT the discussion goes no where! Everybody just keeps going around in circles! They keep saying "so we do this" or "we will write that down" but no one actually does it! When writing a paragraph or a script, everyone would describe the gist of it or describe what its suppose to say but no one actually starts writing or dictating the exact words to write down... I end up doing that time and time again.

I don't know if the feeling is just in my mind or its something that really is happening. I do hope its just in my head... and has been in my head for the past decade so I could start working on rewiring my brain. But if it really is happening, then I really don't know how to end the curse. It just gets so tiring and frustrating sometimes. Its sad that I don't have someone to count on like others could count on me delivering each time. Its sad that I don't have the opportunity to relax and be carefree when its group work since I'm always the first and last to be working. I envy my groupmates who could just do their part and wait for the final product without a worry. When can I be that, too? I want to chill, too you know? 

Please let this curse end. Please.

No comments: