Theory: Insecurity

Deep inside, we all know what are weaknesses are. Some choose to admit it, some don't. Some choose to proclaim it to the world while others like to keep it to themselves. But any which way, it still hurts when someone points it out to you... no matter how much you've accepted your flaws. And what hurts even more is that you can't defend yourself, because they're telling the truth.

I act like I'm confident about myself and all that but the truth is I'm as insecure as the next girl. And no matter how much those pretty girls strut their stuff in the hallways or how those smart girls act like they know everything in the world, they all feel inadequate in the silence of their bedrooms at night. There is always one thing about you that the other girl can do better and you can't help but feel bad for yourself because of it. But of course, getting depressed forever is not an option so we all fight it by being the best at what we can be. We gain this confidence when start to be recognized and complimented about the good things we can do... and for a moment we feel really good about ourselves. We feel confident. That's why those girls can walk that hallway and those smart girls can raise their hands in class. And for us who fall in between, we can at least survive each day with a smile.

But there comes one person who bursts your bubble and comments on your flaw. It could be a phrase or a paragraph long of a comment but it doesn't matter. It hits you to the core and you forget everything else you've worked so hard on. You try not to be superficial and convince yourself that it is too petty an issue to care. You try to grab on to the confidence you've built but it doesn't help very much. You go running back to your room and find yourself crying about the same things. And it hurts twice if not more this time because, you thought you've finally left this dark place. You actually thought that this situation won't happen again, but it did. This time you've disappointed yourself for allowing yourself to go back to this forgotten place. And it adds to the pain that you can't blame anyone for it. You can't blame the person who commented on your flaws for saying the truth and contrary to what other people say, calling them insecure doesn't make you feel any better. Besides, calling them insecure will just make the two of you the same thing. You can't blame your parents, because they really can't make you any more like the next girl than they wish they could. They could cry their hearts out for you or they could scold you for your self pity but nothing really helps. You then start to blame God for creating you wrong, then you realize you couldn't. Simply because He has given you everything else you could wish for. So you go back to you. You end up blaming yourself because there is no one else left to blame. You may grab hold of a self help book but you'd just be fooling yourself. Because you are too broken a person right now to help yourself.

So here you, I mean, we are back at phase one. We cry and cry until we can't cry anymore and we start fighting our depression away. Some of you may take a little longer to heal, others may move on faster. What matters is, we all eventually leave the dark room again and face the world. We get more broken and fragile each time and building back the confidence will be trickier and more difficult, too. You try to forget your flaws and eventually realize that accepting them feels much better. Although it still does hurt when you are reminded of it. You smile again, then start to laugh. Those pretty girls strut their stuff down the hallway again, and those smart girls still answer every single question. Life begins to feel normal again. You feel okay, not confident, at least okay. You constantly give yourself pep talks and build your personality again. And when you feel that you've finally found your way back to confidence, you just hope and pray that the next "commentor" takes his or her time trying to reach you because you'd like to enjoy this moment for as long as you can. You want to be happy for as long as you can.

You know deep inside that your flaws will always be there. You know that one day someone will point it out again. You know it will hurt. It may hurt more or it may hurt less, but it will hurt. And it always will. But just as much as you go out of the dark room more fragile and broken than the last time, you know that you are a changed person every time you come running and crying back in. And each time you find yourself back in that forgotten place, you figure a new way of facing it, you learn and you continue to move on. 

After being in that dark room many times in my life, I figured one thing out... it matters that I still have the courage to get back out. I know I won't stop crying and I know I won't stop getting hurt but I do know I won't be like that forever. So if you ask me, insecurity isn't really a bad thing, its a normal thing. Its how we face it and how we learn to live with the things that make us feel bad about ourselves that matters. I'm still feeling pretty down right now, but after typing this in, I'm feeling a little better. Because I'm reminded that I can write and that I can notice my own grammatical errors. And I'm hoping that one insecure girl (or boy) out there reads this and realizes that she is not alone. 

I'm insecure (sometimes!) Deal with it, seriously.

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