STORY: School Overload

I haven't blogged about school in ages!  A lot of important events happened since my last school-related post and its quite sad if I still blog about all of them one by one so let me just share them in brief in this post, okay?

So there was Obra Kulasa, the event every MassCom senior has to stage where they present their thesis to the public. Our Obra was amazing! We had a fine dining theme and everyone went as waitresses serving their dishes a.k.a thesis. I was in charge of the design of the place and I loved how everything turned out. :)

Next is the Service Awards. For my Events class, one of the 3 events we had to stage was this. I had very minimal contribution to this event since I was just part of the AVP team. Basically come the event itself, I had nothing to do. The event went well by the way. It was the most energetic and entertaining awards ceremony I have ever attended. 

Look at how funky the HRM students made the reception hall look like!
And the details were amazing. Each placemat was customized with a retrofied photo of the awardee
Look at how cute the stage looked
The upbeat dance number closed the night
Unlike the other minor tracks that were done with their mini-event before the service awards, the Advertising class held our event after. Our event was entitled Zumbafied which was basically an event where everyone will do Zumba (a new fitness craze). The event went way better than I expected. Unlike the Service Awards, I was very hands on during this event. From the pre-prod, prod to the post-production, I have tasks assigned to me. I'm still working on the post part actually which I am very eager to do (I'm just hoping my laptop cooperates!)

That's my mom right there!
Sir Lester, our advertising professor, gave us these chocolates from HK to munch on after our event. How sweet!
Right after that mini-event was the minor comprehensive exams. Every graduating student has to go through this test which covers all the general education subjects taken since year 1 in college. That's a pretty wide scope you have there and it is for that reason that I failed to review for any subject at all! I was too overwhelmed with the amount of information I have to revisit that I kept postponing my review sessions each night until I realized that the test was the next day! 
Look at all those notebooks!
Come Saturday, the day of the test, I finally felt the panic rising in me. I scrambled to get whatever info I could and just as I was going from table to table, Rala told me that Sir Lester has yet another surprise treat for the Advertising class.

Sir Lester gave each of us a small bag of sweets as good luck for our exams!
I freaked out during the hour nearing the exam. With no exaggeration, I did no review of any subject at all. I was going into battle with no weapon! But my nerves began to calm when I saw the test paper and saw that EVERYTHING was essay type. I did have difficulty with some subjects (Philosophy, Science and *drum roll* Physical Education) but I wiggled my way through it. Anyway, the highlight of this story is actually not the test but what I did in between my tests and what happened to it afterwards.

When I find myself stuck on a certain question, I doodle on the scratch papers provided to calm me down and let me think better. I have been doing this during all my tests starting way back in high school. So what I thought was just some harmless doodling ended up being in the spotlight come Monday.

I was walking down the hallway when I saw a bunch of scribbles posted on the Dean of Arts & Science's bulletin board. As I got closer, I started to recognize those scribbles... those were my doodles! All of my scratch papers were posted for everyone to see!

This particular paper even has my draft on it. How embarrassing! Now everyone knows what iI answered in theology! HAHA

I was scared at first since I thought the Dean was mad about the doodles i did. I found myself in trouble back in HS for that case since I doodled all over the test paper itself. That was considered as some sort of vandalism I believe so I thought I might have done it again. But it was a pleasant surprise when I looked below and saw the Dean's message:
Yey, doodlers!
With comprehensive exams down, I only have one road block left before graduation - the Hildegard Awards. This time I'm the head of an AVP team so I better get back to work right away. The sooner I finish this project, the sooner I can get back to blogging about school stuff and not end up overloading a post with stories... fingers crossed that the next posts involves graduation practices, yearbook distribution and... graduation itself. Exciteeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! :)


THEORY: Risk Avoider

I always thought that some things are meant to be kept private. That some things need not be shared to others so that I wouldn't have to hear what they have to say about it - good or bad. But again, as many times before, I am wrong. (I think I should anticipate what of my many beliefs will be proven wrong next. Haha! There has been a lot of corrections in belief system in just the past month). Some things beg to be shared... but unfortunately, right now, I can't. What I thought should be kept to myself, to yourself and between us is now bursting in my chest and is wanting to parade itself out there. I took for granted how freely I was able to do that before and now that pride or logic or whatever is stopping me from sharing the feelings I have now, I have finally learned to appreciate that freedom... the freedom I have lost. 

I'm stopping myself from sharing what we have probably because I'm still afraid... afraid that I might have to take it all back again. I don't think I can go through another public depression (yes, public - feeling celebrity. Hihi). I don't think I can handle any more explaining - even if I do not owe that to anyone. I don't think i can handle history repeating itself all too soon. So right now, I'll be more cautious. I'll be more low key with whatever it is we have. Not because I am ashamed or bitter or anything... but because it will keep me safe for a little while longer... until the time when I am back to my former self. 

To comfort myself, I just keep thinking that if I keep my joy and triumph to myself, then no one will ever know about my depression and failures as well. I know that this is just me avoiding risks and I know that there are a bunch of quotes and poems out there talking about how risks are what life is all about but for now, I think I've reached my quota on risk taking. So as much as I want to share to the world how good things are going, I won't for now but I'm hoping I will... soon. 

STORY: Early bird

For the past weeks, months even, I have been going home late. I would get home when the sun is already down and its almost time for dinner. Right now, I couldn't really remember why I always end up going home late but I do know that I wasn't doing nothing. For the past weeks, I often found myself busy with something but its all a blur as of now.

Anyway, today I got home while the sun was still pretty high up. Its crazy how something as mundane as going home early becomes something special all of a sudden. I'm actually pretty surprised that after a good 2-3 hours on the internet, I look around and still see some rays of light going through my curtains! I usually go online late at night up to the wee hours of the morning so having to see that its still daytime is quite odd to me. It quite scary actually that the mere sight of sunlight is something new to me now. I guess I've been living in the dark these past weeks (literally and figuratively). Haha!

I guess this calls for a celebration and I shall celebrate by wasting a few minutes (because I do have time to spare) on taking snapshots of myself with natural light. YES, NATURAL LIGHT! :P

But of course, after a few minutes of vanity its back to editing, editing, editing. Here's hoping that getting home early means more work done by the end of the day! ;) Fingers crossed!

THEORY: Answers

I read this quote from somewhere in the internet and it really hit home. It's funny how the answers come to us when we stop asking questions. I was too struck by the quote that I didn't bother verifying the accuracy of it or if the person credited for it is truly the person who said it. Anyways, here is the quote...

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” ♥
― Bob Marley

I'm hoping and praying that I am strong enough to absorb this message and live it. But from how I still am thinking of one person while reading the quote tells me I'm half way there. 

STORY: Click Away

Many things appear easy to do until the day you find yourself having to do it.

I always thought that moving forward was easy and I always found myself wondering why everyone makes such a big deal of it. And then one day I realized that moving forward was always easy for me because nothing ever happened to me that held me back. Now that this something has happened to me, I find it absolutely difficult to let go of what happened. I hold on to every bit of that memory even though how painful it is  to do so because I am afraid I might forget the hurt and forgive too easily. I'm afraid that if I simply let the past stay in the past, I might allow history to repeat itself all too soon. But I guess that theory isn't working very well for me. Because all this lingering in the past and holding on to bits and pieces of it has not only made my present 10 times more unbearable than it should be but has also made my future a terrible place to look forward to. In the end, I lose if I don't let go. I lose if I don't forgive. I lose if I don't give myself a chance to move forward and be happy again.

So the first move I guess is to stop all these stalking and investigating and all these unnecessary researching. I have been doing so for weeks and yet haven't found a single thing wrong. And what is worse, I still find myself irritated, mad and frustrated every time I see a certain name pop out regardless if it is related to my problem or not. After some repeated lectures from people around me, I finally found myself willing to listen. To finally be happy again, I should stop surrounding myself with things that only make me feel otherwise. So here is to making that first step... no matter how simple it may appear and how it difficult it really is.


THEORY: Versions!

I was listening to 25 minutes yesterday in the car and found myself talking about how painful it must feel to be literally 25 minutes too late. I actually have been listening to this song for as long as I can remember (my dad would blast this song from the "components" back in the day) but it was only yesterday that I paid attention to the lyrics. As I tried to understand the story of the song, I kept going on and on about how devastated I would feel if I were to watch the love of my life vow to live the rest of his/her days with someone else... and knowing that I could've stopped that from happening would make the pain hurt even more. Anyways, I do not plan to talk about pain, regret and broken hearts (it appears that I have dwelt too much on those topics these past days) because this post is about an observation I made.

I noticed that Adele's song "Someone Like You" is a girl version of 25 minutes by Micheal Learns to Rock. It appears that in love (and I guess most parts of life), men and women are the same. I've actually always believed in (and proclaimed) gender equality but I focused on abilities and jobs and those kinds of comparisons. Hearing these two songs made me realize I skipped on a very important aspect - love. Men, women and every other gender that falls between fall in love and get hurt all the same. Some lose the love of their life but are fortunate enough to get them back... others aren't as fortunate though. But if its any consolation to those "unfortunate ones," Adele and Micheal Learns To Rock definitely know the feeling all too much and have decided to make songs that would help you get through it... or at the very least help you explain what happened to your nosy friends.

*The songs also make for great status updates and tweets! Hashtag song title!

THEORY: To My Future Daughter

Dearest Daughter,

Hi sweetie, this is mom. It may appear that this is a different person from the woman who nags you every morning and argues with about every single thing, but believe me, this is me.

Anyway, I heard you crying over the phone a few nights back. I thought it was just the usual fights you had with him but this seemed different. I noticed that you aren't eating properly and that you always seem to sleep late and get up early. I see you stare at random things and I try to assume what you are thinking and think of what I can say to make you feel better... but I'd appreciate it if you'd just share your thoughts with me... because even if it appears that I can, I really can't read minds. But from the way you try to hold those tears back, it must be something too heavy for you to figure out alone. But I won't force you to talk because I want you to come to me when you're ready. But until then, I just can't watch you and not do anything... so I prepared this letter with hopes that it might help.

I know it hurts sweetie. I don't even have to know what, why, how or who... I just know that whatever happened must have hurt for you to be this way. It sucks that you have to go through this but trust me when I say you will learn from this. It's hard to believe right now, and feeling better seems like a long shot, but trust me on this one. It seems like the end of the world. It hurts so much that you want to escape from it. Sometimes you can't even figure out if you are going to cry your eyes out until they dry up or scream at the top of your lungs until you lose your voice. Sometimes you are mad at the world and you like to throw whatever you get your hands on then other times you feel you are the most defeated person in the world that you just want to sulk in a corner away from everyone. You're confused and hurt and mad all at the same time. It's like all the painful and scary things- like trips to the doctor or dentist, scraping your knee, falling off your bike - don't even come close to what you're feeling now. Sometimes you even think of killing yourself just to end it all but I know that you are smarter than that. You won't deprive us of a wonderful person, would you?

I know you are afraid I might judge you, or worse, judge him. I won't, I promise. It doesn't even matter to me if it's his fault, your fault or both of your faults. I won't tell you that one of you is more hurt or is a bad person. I won't because I know that even if you tell me that you hate him with all your might and that you never want to see him again, a part of you believes otherwise. That if the world would have permitted, you wouldn't have to hate him, you wouldn't have to be crying about him and you wouldn't have to be alone. Because in the world that you've imagined, you would be together forever. And that's perfectly normal, dear. I don't blame you for loving someone that much and I will never tell you to stop loving others. Because if we stop doing the good things in life because of the bad stuff that might happen a long the way, then I wouldn't even have you! You don't even have to know how many heartbreaks mom had to endure just so I can piece it back together to love you... you should just know that I went through them and got over them. I struggled but I survived. So cheer up a little, here's proof that this too shall pass, this too shall end and that you will be able to smile again, that you will be able to get excited for tomorrow and that you will care enough about stuff to argue about them with me.

I won't tell you what to do unless you ask my opinion. I'm just here to listen to you and be there for whatever you need. I know crying or talking sounds pretty pointless now because it can't change anything... but it helps. I thought that way, too and was very hesitant to share my feelings to anyone. I mean, what's the point? But I guess not everything needs to be explained. Some things just help us... and for now, that is the only thing I can do for you, dear. I can only help you. I can listen to you and even cry with you, but I can't solve this for you even if I wanted to. This is one of the moments that mom has to let go of you and let you figure things out on your own. And though it pains me to let you get hurt when all these years all I wanted was to keep you safe and to protect you from everything from insect bites to tripping from your shoe lace, I have to. If I don't let you go now, you might never get a hold of what you should. Just remember that I'm always behind you praying that you'll always be alright.

I know for someone your age, mom's advice is never the one you'd like to listen to. Mom's advice is that of "the olden times" and mom will never get it. I know that you would rather go to your friends and tell them your story because they would understand. You would cry on their shoulders and they would comfort you and help you through the pain. And as much as I am envious of how they are a part of a life changing event in your life, I completely understand. I was young once and I too never found myself comfortable talking to my mom about things like these. This is why I wrote this letter NOW. Because I know when I'm in my 40s, I might forget how this feels - to be young and having your heart broken. So if mom won't understand you then, then young-mom probably would... and I want to be sure that this version of mom will be able to be with you. Because mom cried her eyes out, too. Because mom also fell in love when she was 16 and imagined forever with that person she loves. And whether you believe it or not, mom understands perfectly what you are going through because she's been through it all, too.

Sweetie, all I want is to help you because I know that all a heartbroken girl wants during nights of crying and questioning is assurance that everything will be alright. And mom is your assurance. Trust me on this one, please. Well, trust that my food won't kill you guys but let's just leave that for another letter, okay? I love you and you can be sure that this 'I love you' will not leave you heartbroken later on. Because mom is here to say... whether you like it or not.

If you're up for ice cream, I'm waiting downstairs.