THEORY: Risk Avoider

I always thought that some things are meant to be kept private. That some things need not be shared to others so that I wouldn't have to hear what they have to say about it - good or bad. But again, as many times before, I am wrong. (I think I should anticipate what of my many beliefs will be proven wrong next. Haha! There has been a lot of corrections in belief system in just the past month). Some things beg to be shared... but unfortunately, right now, I can't. What I thought should be kept to myself, to yourself and between us is now bursting in my chest and is wanting to parade itself out there. I took for granted how freely I was able to do that before and now that pride or logic or whatever is stopping me from sharing the feelings I have now, I have finally learned to appreciate that freedom... the freedom I have lost. 

I'm stopping myself from sharing what we have probably because I'm still afraid... afraid that I might have to take it all back again. I don't think I can go through another public depression (yes, public - feeling celebrity. Hihi). I don't think I can handle any more explaining - even if I do not owe that to anyone. I don't think i can handle history repeating itself all too soon. So right now, I'll be more cautious. I'll be more low key with whatever it is we have. Not because I am ashamed or bitter or anything... but because it will keep me safe for a little while longer... until the time when I am back to my former self. 

To comfort myself, I just keep thinking that if I keep my joy and triumph to myself, then no one will ever know about my depression and failures as well. I know that this is just me avoiding risks and I know that there are a bunch of quotes and poems out there talking about how risks are what life is all about but for now, I think I've reached my quota on risk taking. So as much as I want to share to the world how good things are going, I won't for now but I'm hoping I will... soon. 

No comments: