THEORY: To My Future Daughter

Dearest Daughter,

Hi sweetie, this is mom. It may appear that this is a different person from the woman who nags you every morning and argues with about every single thing, but believe me, this is me.

Anyway, I heard you crying over the phone a few nights back. I thought it was just the usual fights you had with him but this seemed different. I noticed that you aren't eating properly and that you always seem to sleep late and get up early. I see you stare at random things and I try to assume what you are thinking and think of what I can say to make you feel better... but I'd appreciate it if you'd just share your thoughts with me... because even if it appears that I can, I really can't read minds. But from the way you try to hold those tears back, it must be something too heavy for you to figure out alone. But I won't force you to talk because I want you to come to me when you're ready. But until then, I just can't watch you and not do anything... so I prepared this letter with hopes that it might help.

I know it hurts sweetie. I don't even have to know what, why, how or who... I just know that whatever happened must have hurt for you to be this way. It sucks that you have to go through this but trust me when I say you will learn from this. It's hard to believe right now, and feeling better seems like a long shot, but trust me on this one. It seems like the end of the world. It hurts so much that you want to escape from it. Sometimes you can't even figure out if you are going to cry your eyes out until they dry up or scream at the top of your lungs until you lose your voice. Sometimes you are mad at the world and you like to throw whatever you get your hands on then other times you feel you are the most defeated person in the world that you just want to sulk in a corner away from everyone. You're confused and hurt and mad all at the same time. It's like all the painful and scary things- like trips to the doctor or dentist, scraping your knee, falling off your bike - don't even come close to what you're feeling now. Sometimes you even think of killing yourself just to end it all but I know that you are smarter than that. You won't deprive us of a wonderful person, would you?

I know you are afraid I might judge you, or worse, judge him. I won't, I promise. It doesn't even matter to me if it's his fault, your fault or both of your faults. I won't tell you that one of you is more hurt or is a bad person. I won't because I know that even if you tell me that you hate him with all your might and that you never want to see him again, a part of you believes otherwise. That if the world would have permitted, you wouldn't have to hate him, you wouldn't have to be crying about him and you wouldn't have to be alone. Because in the world that you've imagined, you would be together forever. And that's perfectly normal, dear. I don't blame you for loving someone that much and I will never tell you to stop loving others. Because if we stop doing the good things in life because of the bad stuff that might happen a long the way, then I wouldn't even have you! You don't even have to know how many heartbreaks mom had to endure just so I can piece it back together to love you... you should just know that I went through them and got over them. I struggled but I survived. So cheer up a little, here's proof that this too shall pass, this too shall end and that you will be able to smile again, that you will be able to get excited for tomorrow and that you will care enough about stuff to argue about them with me.

I won't tell you what to do unless you ask my opinion. I'm just here to listen to you and be there for whatever you need. I know crying or talking sounds pretty pointless now because it can't change anything... but it helps. I thought that way, too and was very hesitant to share my feelings to anyone. I mean, what's the point? But I guess not everything needs to be explained. Some things just help us... and for now, that is the only thing I can do for you, dear. I can only help you. I can listen to you and even cry with you, but I can't solve this for you even if I wanted to. This is one of the moments that mom has to let go of you and let you figure things out on your own. And though it pains me to let you get hurt when all these years all I wanted was to keep you safe and to protect you from everything from insect bites to tripping from your shoe lace, I have to. If I don't let you go now, you might never get a hold of what you should. Just remember that I'm always behind you praying that you'll always be alright.

I know for someone your age, mom's advice is never the one you'd like to listen to. Mom's advice is that of "the olden times" and mom will never get it. I know that you would rather go to your friends and tell them your story because they would understand. You would cry on their shoulders and they would comfort you and help you through the pain. And as much as I am envious of how they are a part of a life changing event in your life, I completely understand. I was young once and I too never found myself comfortable talking to my mom about things like these. This is why I wrote this letter NOW. Because I know when I'm in my 40s, I might forget how this feels - to be young and having your heart broken. So if mom won't understand you then, then young-mom probably would... and I want to be sure that this version of mom will be able to be with you. Because mom cried her eyes out, too. Because mom also fell in love when she was 16 and imagined forever with that person she loves. And whether you believe it or not, mom understands perfectly what you are going through because she's been through it all, too.

Sweetie, all I want is to help you because I know that all a heartbroken girl wants during nights of crying and questioning is assurance that everything will be alright. And mom is your assurance. Trust me on this one, please. Well, trust that my food won't kill you guys but let's just leave that for another letter, okay? I love you and you can be sure that this 'I love you' will not leave you heartbroken later on. Because mom is here to say... whether you like it or not.

If you're up for ice cream, I'm waiting downstairs.


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