THEORY: Just For Tonight

I haven't sat in front of a computer, played random online games and blasted pop music just because I wanted to in a long, long time. And now that I am doing just that, I feel like I'm 15 again. I feel so young and without a worry in the world. I feel as though today is the only day that matters and the next hour is the only time I should think about, that is if I find myself thinking about anything at all. I feel so free... I feel happy.

Just for tonight, all that matters is beating my opponent in Tetris Battle. Just for tonight, all that matters is how I should turn the volume up for the next song on my playlist because its too low for me to hear just to have to put the volume up again for the next song. Just for tonight, I will tie my hair up in a ponytail, sit in my most comfy position, tilt my laptop the most comfortable angle because I'm going to stay here as long as I can. Just for tonight, I'm going to be 15 again.

As I think about how the time I was 15 years old seem so distant to my 20 year old self, I kinda feel tears in the corners of my eyes. Its a mix of emotions, really. How scary it is that time flew by that quickly and how amazing it is that I have already gone so far. How my nights used to be spent killing time because tomorrow was always already planned for me and now having nights turn into mornings without me even feeling it. How I felt my world would end when my classmates laughed at the outfit my mom picked out for me to wear to school one Saturday to how I couldn't care less some days about how I look. How I would worry about not having friends in the college or university I will be attending to to worrying about not having a job! I feel as though my days as a 15 year old are light years away already yet tonight, I feel time has decided to stop, rewind and pause for a while.

I guess this comes with age - this "longing" to go back in time and run away to the time when things were simpler and happier. You reminisce more often because you have more years to look back to, you miss more memories, you sulk about more opportunities lost and you smile at the things you've finally gotten right. I believe this is my 20-year-old wisdom speaking when I say that although I miss my ways of years past, I wouldn't dream of having to live it all over again. Happiness maybe a little more complicated to find but I don't get sad about the pettiest of things nor do I cry and throw tantrums about every problem that come my way. I may have to worry about a lot more things now but I also have bigger things to look forward to. I miss my life before but I love my life now.

But when you think about it, we never really part ways with our 15 year old selves. They are always there, inside us... and during nights like these, when the stars align for us somehow, time stops, rewinds and pauses... you know, just for tonight.

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