THEORY: Shadows

There are many feelings I dislike- like jealousy, anxiety and being out of place. And what I hate most about feelings is that you are never really sure if its 'real' or its just you.

I will try to be as descriptive of the feeling I'm going through and make it appear hypothetical. At least it makes me appear less of a loser who appeases herself by talking to herself about it. (It appears I just countered my objective by explaining it. Hay.)

There's this looming shadow above me these days. It makes bright, sunny days and gloomy, rainy ones appear one and the same.  And this shadow appears to be hovering only me and because of that, I feel I see things a little differently from others... and others see me a little differently as well. Its like I don't belong.

Imagine you are in the middle of a crowd of people and they pass by you like you aren't there. The person on your right is talking to the person on your left and you look at both of them and wonder if they even realize your presence. Sometimes you are acknowledged, sometimes you are made aware that you are part of a conversation but you can't seem to figure out if you are allowed to jump in. On the occasions that you do jump in, people look at you and listen and like some dust that fell on their shoulder, they brush you off the moment you utter the last word of your sentence (if they even let you finish your sentence at all).

You can't call them rude because they do not really do anything to you. They don't do anything to you - that's the problem. They don't interact with you, they don't include you, they don't feel you. To exaggerate, it makes you question your existence in that moment. You ask, 'Am I really here?' or worse, "Do they want me here?"

And the rotten cherry over the melted ice cream is that I don't know if this is all truly happening or its all just in my head. I do hope its in my head because I can do something to fix that. I don't think I can fix other people's heads.

Oh feelings, cast your shadow on someone else, or better yet spread sunshine instead.

STORY: Kilig Much

I have the sweetest boyfriend na talaga.

I have numerous blogs about Jose but I rarely use the B word when I refer to him because I feel a little weird when I do. I don't know why but it just feels a little too cheesy that way. Anyway, this post is a very cheesy post so might as well go all out and finally blurt out the word - boyfriend.

So, the story is pretty short. Actually, its just a few exchange of lines that happened earlier this night that made me feel all kilig. Its a feeling I haven't felt in a while and I missed it. But the boyfriend manages to surprise me and I'm really fortunate that he is the type that finds joy in seeing me kilig over the stuff he does. Its a win-win situation for us. :)

So, the story.

Jose likes giving me gifts - not just a lot but also pretty expensive ones. Just last week he gave me two watches, yes, two. He actually bought one in secret one day and coincidentally I started talking about a picture of a watch I saw on Instagram and kept blabbing about what kind of watches I disliked and liked. Afraid I would dislike the watch he bought, he revealed the surprise a week earlier than planned just so he could still have the item returned. I smiled when I saw it but he knew it wasn't my type since I basically bad mouthed the design in the conversation we had prior to the reveal. He went back to the store sometime within the following week and when he finally gave me back the watch, he didn't have it replaced. I did tell him that I would wear anything he gives and that I was happy about the gesture. But Jose isn't the type who settles for an "okay" response to his gift so I was in complete shock when I rummaged through my bag and found another box. It was the watch I saw on Instagram! He had bought both watches!

Fast forward to today. I was at Trinoma having a meeting with the yearbook publisher and Jose just dropped me off. After about 2 hours into the meeting, I saw Jose come in at the cafe where we had the meeting and sat at a table a few feet away from us. I couldn't help but notice that he had a giant Charles and Keith paper bag in his hand which triggered me to think about yesterday when we were going through the bags at Charles and Keith at Rockwell. Could he have bought it? Well, there are no male items at C&K so it must be for me! (I'm not assuming ha! He just doesn't really give gifts to family, just so you know.) On the way home, I had completely forgotten about the paper bag in the backseat since he didn't bother handing it over to me. When he dropped me home, he insisted he go inside with me. When we go home late, he usually just drops me off and waits for me to enter the gate but today he insisted he go down with me. That's when I saw the paper bag again. When I got to our dining room, he finally handed it over to me and I opened it right there and then. It was for me and it was the bag I saw yesterday.

At the beginning of the post I told you my kilig story is a short one and it really is. The above above narrations are just introductions to the specific moment that I will share below. For realzzzz na.

I put the bag inside the paper bag and looked at him.

Me: Thank you ah, pero tigilan mo na nga kakabili ng gamit sakin. 
Him: Bakit ba?
Me: Ang dami na, ang mahal pa. Bankrupt na nga tayo pareho oh.
Him: E masaya ako e.
Me: Gumastos?
Him: Masaya ako pag napapasaya kita eh.

Commence kilig moment with matching stupid smile.

STORY: Oh, To be Young and Foolish Again!

I don't know if its the gloomy, rainy weather these days or I'm just going through a phase, but I noticed I'm getting really emotional lately... and for me, that isn't a good thing. All these emotions get in the way of the stuff I have to do. I can't function properly because my heart is somewhere else finding new reasons to wallow in a corner and feel bad about myself. Most times, I manage to brush off the insecurity that keeps on creeping in but unfortunately, it just keeps finding its way back.

Every time I go through this 'emo moment' I find a new thing about my life that is wrong. The other day it was my lack of talent (which I managed to handle by making fun of myself and laughing it away), yesterday it was my hair (which has been a recurring insecurity that I am slowly growing immune to) and today its about my age. Yes, my age. I feel old already. I know, I know, I'm just 20 but seeing these college kids makes me feel really old. Reading about their rants about a certain professor, their relief at a final test passed or their excitement over the weekend's celebratory night out makes me feel so depressed. I don't have those things any more and quite frankly, I'm not really sure I ever did have any of those (especially the last one).

The thought that my days of being young and free are over is enough to make me cry. Its stupid really since all my years of studying I dreamt of this moment, when finally I have financial freedom, when I have later curfews (if any curfew at all) and when I get to make big decisions on my own. But now that I'm actually here, at this oh-so-glorious time of being young-ish with a job, it isn't as glamorous or as fun as I imagined it to be 5 years ago. I wished I had savored my teenage years more. I wished I had been more relaxed and spontaneous and plain stupid. Because now that I have real "responsibilities" I just can't afford that anymore. There is no free cut when a professor is absent, or long breaks when you manage to schedule your classes that way or putting off a project 'til the last minute... because you get paid now. You have to work, you have to be worth the company's time, trust and resources, you have to be responsible... you have to grow up. And this wasn't part of the dream I had years ago. I only imagined all the stuff I could buy, the trips I would have and all the things I could finally try. I failed to foresee all the stuff that came with it. But there is no use feeling bad about that now, right? I'm here already, there is no turning back.

Don't get me wrong, I like my "job," a job which I am very fortunate to have. Not everyone gets to have their dream job but I did. Its not really the work that is depressing me, its all the things I slowly have to leave behind so that I could move on with my life. Sigh. Here's hoping the years that lie ahead will be twice as awesome to make up for the years I could've lived more. Here's to being 20 and admitting that it is really, finally time to grow up.

*But an extra year to be young and foolish would be nice. Oh, by some miracle let it be so!

STORY: Boring? Us? No.

I have a bunch of stuff do now but here I am yet again, blogging about it rather than doing it. So I'll mix things up a bit and not blog about this looming to-do and blog about something entirely different. (Well, the procrastinating part is still the same though, so there)

I'd like to believe I'm a creative person. I like the arts and I like making art as well - be it through words or visuals or sounds, even. Anyway, my guy isn't really the creative type. When it comes to self-expression which I apparently have mastered, he is rather reserved. He is so reserved and conservative that the stuff I do comes off as odd, weird and embarrassing to him. 

I would often nag him to read a blog I wrote, a video I shot or an artwork I just finished, then have him share his thoughts about it. His face would have this puzzled expression every time as he tries to figure out the interpretation or explanation that he thinks would make me happy most. I keep telling him to tell me what he REALLY thinks but he just doesn't get that. He has this wrong and right idea about art which is totally absurd! I mean nothing is ever right or wrong in art. After many times of arguing about his 'wrong' explanations, he just shove away any future conversation that has to do with interpreting or understanding my art. I would make tampo about his lack of support at times but through the years, I just stopped. I got that we were coming from different places and there is really no point forcing my weirdness on him. I'm actually okay that he has grown tolerant of my crazy antics. Tolerance is somehow the best form of support he can give when it comes to my self-expression endeavors, like how he reacted to the video below for one.

I used to wish for someone creative to be my special someone. I imagined we would critic artworks and movies together, we would watch the same TV shows and be fans of the same artists, we'd share tips and techniques about Photoshop or Premiere, and we'd laugh at the same things because we get all the jokes. But after four years with someone who is the exact opposite of the person I imagined, I realized the dream wouldn't end as well as my reality now. Sure we would get each other and we'd have all these things in common to talk about but that's how things get boring. You know what the other knows and eventually there will be nothing more to share. You like the same things so you learn about the same stuff so to some extent, you limit each other from learning other things. 

My friend Jana would always shout "boring" when someone asks how long Jose and I have been together. She says that as a joke but some times I catch myself thinking about it. Are we really boring? Have the years washed away the excitement of our relationship? I mean compared to those who are less than a year, we are like an old married couple already. We know each other too well already and we don't have the same adventures new couples have together. We have almost all the 'firsts' ticked off our list already. But after thinking about it and thinking about it again, I could say Jana is wrong. Yes we're at a stage where we are  comfortable with each other but we are definitely not boring. I mean we are already on our 53rd month yet we still figure out new things every day... he just learned what 'chroma' does and I know what the hell a "fender liner" is. Diba? Boring ka dyan, Jana! Haha.

STORY: J's Talent

Even if this blog is meant to share my story to all of you, I do not like divulging very detailed accounts of some parts of my life - my 'love life' is one of  that. You might be raising an eyebrow right about now since a quarter of the posts of this blog is either about or related to this 'special" person I shall refer to as "J" from this point on, but if you look back at those posts, I leave a lot of stuff out. Most times, when the posts are about 'serious' stuff, I mark it under theory, even writing it as something hypothetical. Because believe it or not, I am a private person.

Anyway, the point of the rather long introduction is so that you can understand that this post is breaking away from my unwritten rule of keeping things private. Why? Well, I don't know either. I just feel like sharing the events that transpired today. Here we go.

The past week, I have been on psycho mode again. A little background info before I continue - I have a lot of modes and this psycho mode I speak of just joined my list of modes this year. How it joined the list is spread out in a few blog entries a few months ago. I leave that up to you to find out. Anyway, since the 'event,' I have been switching my psycho mode on and off, almost involuntarily actually. Last week though was different. I was well aware I was entering psycho mode and I continued with it anyway. I didn't act on it physically though, but mentally and emotionally, it was on. I started creating these stories and piecing every bit of information together to form this plot as if I was some master story teller that just knows how everything goes. However, after a week of internal psycho thoughts, I finally acted on those thoughts today. I told him about the stories I have come up with (after he persuaded me to break my silence) and how it has been bothering me for a week... after that, the next few hours were just a terrible mix of silence and noise.

"J" is actually getting used to this psycho behavior of mine - when I act a tad more crazy than the usual. He is very understanding of it but of course he has his limits and he gets pissed and mad at me eventually when my unreasonable behavior becomes too much to handle. But even when he snaps, he still manages to calm himself down, calming me as well. And before you know it, I am no longer mad or crazy or in my psycho mode. Its a 'talent' he has that I really do appreciate. Imagine if he is as impatient and as unreasonable as I am, my psycho mode may never switch off! There was this one time when we didn't speak to each other for a whole day. At around 10pm, just when I thought he had went to bed and succeeded at ignoring me, he called and sounded very mad as he screamed, "Hoy! Galit pa rin ako sa'yo ah!" Puzzled, I answered, "E bakit ka tumawag?" He replied, still shouting, "E may sasabihin lang ako e!" I asked, "Ano?" Still with his angry voice he continued, "Kumain ka na ba?" I fell silent for a few seconds and burst into laughter. You could assume that our night ended better than our afternoon started. In fact, so good I don't even remember why we were mad at each other in the first place.

And you know what, the craziest part of this talent of his is that I do not realize he's doing it until its already been done! I just find myself laughing or smiling at him and everything just falls back into place. Its quite amazing actually how I used to feel kinda sad that he didn't have any dancing, singing or acting talents (I don't have those either) and now here I am at awe at his talent that I have never seen in anyone else. And the  best part is that he is not only getting applause for this talent, he gets hugs, kisses and a whole lot of love for it, too!

STORY: The Hunt for Inspiration

One of the best things I've learned so far in AdSchool is captured in this one sentence:

"You find inspiration in things that you love, 
just as much as you find inspiration in things that you hate."

I paraphrased that sentence because it has been two weeks since that session but more or less that was the point. I found that idea so inspiring and quite refreshing really. All these times when I look for inspiration, I think about all the great things I enjoy, all the people I love, all the places I admire... which is a frustrating task to do when I am stressed, depressed and just plain unhappy. Usually in copywriting class when I'm just not in the mood, I find it very difficult to be inspired since the happy thoughts aren't coming in. But I realized I was disregarding how the things I do not enjoy, the things I hate, the things I am irritated with, could actually inspire me. My stress could've inspired me. My depression could've inspired me. My hate could've inspired me.

Its really a nice new way to look at things. More than just making inspiration easier to find, it gave the things I dislike a purpose in my life... and a rather positive one at that. Now how about that for a lesson learned, huh?

THEORY: Damage

When you damage something, there's nothing you can do to fix it. Sure you can piece it together, put some glue or tape to stick, or maybe you can buy a new thing altogether but really, you aren't bringing back the thing you destroyed. I mean, damage is done and its just something you live with. Fact is, it can't be fixed.

It sucks when you destroy something you own, when you damage yourself but its even suck-ier if you are damaged by someone else or you damage another. Its such a big burden, you know, to hold that kind of guilt on your conscience forever or place that guilt on someone else. No matter what you do to make up for it or what he/she does to make it up to you, its a hopeless unsolvable case. You will forever be a destroyer to the eyes of the person you damaged, you will forever despise that person who damaged you. And I don't think that's a memory of one's self one would want others, much so one's self, to remember years down the road.

But there is still an even worse scenario. It is suck-iest if the person you despise is at the same time the person you love. You hate them for damaging you, you tell yourself that you will never forgive them, you say you never want to see them again... but you love them, you forgive them and you just want to keep seeing them. You try to forget the damage done, move on and just deal with it but you can't. You keep going back to that moment you were hurt, when everything changed, when all the things you believed in, all the things you knew became unclear. You look at that person and see all the things you want to leave behind then blink and see all the things you never want to let go. And in this twisted process, the damage the other person has done never heals because you continue to keep the wound open. While the other person is trying to make amends, you continue to hurt yourself, sometimes far more than the original hurt you felt.

Really, I can see no end to this cycle. Its like a run on a good pair of stockings. Its only good until it gets that first scratch then the run will just keep going until you just can't use the pair anymore. I guess the worst scenario is that - when the damage is too much, you are left with something useless, something you just have to throw away.

What a sad post this has been but its a post that I must make... to cope with the damage done to me.

STORY: Oh, fat!

I tend to eat when I have nothing to do or when I see other people eating. It doesn't even matter if I'm hungry or not, I just eat. These past days at work are proof to this terrible habit of mine and I could already feel and see the effects of it! Oh dear, the fat is starting to pile up on top of my jeans (muffin top!) The worst part is that I am not an exercise type of girl so if the fat continues to pile up, I don't really know how I'm going to get rid of it... so its best I just prevent it from getting any worse! But before I do, let me share a few of my many treats this past weeks.

I ate this the day of orientation for training. I ate alone at two food courts that day - Landmark and SM because I wanted to do some shopping (alone) to celebrate my getting accepted to AdSchool!

This I ate after training with Jose at Mai Maison at GB. The scotch eggs (lower right) tasted good.

For the first days of training, I would hitch with my dad in the mornings since our offices are walking distance from each other. Because I take a ride with my dad, I get to his office at 7am when my training starts at 9am which is why I end up grabbing some breakfast at their canteen where the food is supeeeer cheap. Imagine, the meal above cost me P31.00!

My co-trainees usually have baon with them so I am usually the lone one who goes out to buy lunch. I enjoy buying my food so I don't mind that I'm alone. I actually prefer it since it eliminates the "where do we eat" ceremony that happens every time you eat out with others. Ever since, I am the type who likes to try all the possible eating spots around the area. During my freshman year of college, I made it a point to try a new place each day. Even during my internship, I was excited about all the dining spots around Makati that I could discover. But I was disappointed that my co-interns didn't share the same "idea" which left me with just a few restaurants discovered. Now that I am back in Makati, I won't let anything stop me from trying a new place each day, or at least revisiting an old restaurant after I've tried 'em all. For this particular time, I revisited Jollibee and I absolutely loved their Milo Blast! I had three more of this the days that followed.

Of course, there are lazy days when you just want to grab something and eat. And those days are saved by some yummy Mini Stop chicken. The noodles were my breakfast by the way, I just bought my lunch early on.

One of my best discoveries was Adobo Connection. My goal is to try all the different kinds of Adobo they offer. So far I've tried 3 - Chinese Adobo, Adobo flakes and their Adobo rice (do you count the last one?) The great part is that the food is really affordable, too! The rice above comes in two's and just costs P49. The vegetable I ordered, their specialty gising-gising, is just P29.00

On my way back to the office from lunch out, I passed by Ministop to grab myself some dessert. I thought of trying the small cups i keep seeing and ended up pretty shocked that it cost P47.00. Pretty pricey for a tiny cup. It was good though so it wasn't a total disappointment.

I don't usually have breakfast because aside from me running late, I don't have much appetite in the morning. But ever since I rediscovered toasted bread, I take the time to toast a slice or two. Yum!

I have been going to office 3 weeks already and only discovered there was a country style booth at the food court now! To celebrate this discovery, I had to buy a donut from my favorite donut place for just P20.00!

Hello instant noodles!

Every day, there are "merienda folks" that visit the office that bring your typical Pinoy meriendas with them... much to the liking of my mouth and to the disappointment of my growing belly. So far, I've bought nilupak, banana cue, karioka and this afternoon, I bought some binatog (which is packed very complicatedly! Plastic within a plastic and knotted over another knot! I ended up making a mess before I got a bite!) I was quite disappointed though since yesterday, they brought some kwek-kwek with them and I missed out on it! I was downstairs grabbing some McFloat! I was looking forward to grabbing some kwek kwek this day but they didn't prepare any. I'm hoping next visit, they load up on some coated eggs. :P

So there you have it! This is really a very small percentage of the food that I have taken in the past weeks of work. These are just the ones that were fortunate enough to be photographed before I dug in. Here's hoping next week marks a more controlled-eating week! DIET na talaga 'to!

THEORY: Let The Feelings Talk

I just want to cry now. I'm not even sure why but its the only physical action I can think of that would help lessen the feelings I have right now. Ugh, feelings! Why do I have too many of it?

 This constant proving of myself, this trying to assure myself that I am deserving of where I am, and this fighting not to be replaced is getting very tiring and draining, not to mention painful. Its a challenge at first, yes, exciting even. But eventually the excitement wears off and you end up just wanting to be secure. You want to feel that you belong and to know that your spot isn't always going to be taken by somebody else.

Its a silly "first world" problem, really. While everyone is wondering where to find shelter and what food to eat, debating about national issues like Corona's blood sugar or protesting about how Jessica Sanchez lost on American Idol, here I am being silly. But right now, I don't really give a damn if I'm being silly. Yes, I said a bad word right there. I shall reprimand myself later but for now, I'll let the feelings do the writing. I'm in pain right now and there is just so much a girl who swore she was in control of her emotions can handle.

And by the way, I'm talking about two things and its amazingly unfortunate that I am going through this feeling at the same time in two different situations. Oh, life.