STORY: Oh, To be Young and Foolish Again!

I don't know if its the gloomy, rainy weather these days or I'm just going through a phase, but I noticed I'm getting really emotional lately... and for me, that isn't a good thing. All these emotions get in the way of the stuff I have to do. I can't function properly because my heart is somewhere else finding new reasons to wallow in a corner and feel bad about myself. Most times, I manage to brush off the insecurity that keeps on creeping in but unfortunately, it just keeps finding its way back.

Every time I go through this 'emo moment' I find a new thing about my life that is wrong. The other day it was my lack of talent (which I managed to handle by making fun of myself and laughing it away), yesterday it was my hair (which has been a recurring insecurity that I am slowly growing immune to) and today its about my age. Yes, my age. I feel old already. I know, I know, I'm just 20 but seeing these college kids makes me feel really old. Reading about their rants about a certain professor, their relief at a final test passed or their excitement over the weekend's celebratory night out makes me feel so depressed. I don't have those things any more and quite frankly, I'm not really sure I ever did have any of those (especially the last one).

The thought that my days of being young and free are over is enough to make me cry. Its stupid really since all my years of studying I dreamt of this moment, when finally I have financial freedom, when I have later curfews (if any curfew at all) and when I get to make big decisions on my own. But now that I'm actually here, at this oh-so-glorious time of being young-ish with a job, it isn't as glamorous or as fun as I imagined it to be 5 years ago. I wished I had savored my teenage years more. I wished I had been more relaxed and spontaneous and plain stupid. Because now that I have real "responsibilities" I just can't afford that anymore. There is no free cut when a professor is absent, or long breaks when you manage to schedule your classes that way or putting off a project 'til the last minute... because you get paid now. You have to work, you have to be worth the company's time, trust and resources, you have to be responsible... you have to grow up. And this wasn't part of the dream I had years ago. I only imagined all the stuff I could buy, the trips I would have and all the things I could finally try. I failed to foresee all the stuff that came with it. But there is no use feeling bad about that now, right? I'm here already, there is no turning back.

Don't get me wrong, I like my "job," a job which I am very fortunate to have. Not everyone gets to have their dream job but I did. Its not really the work that is depressing me, its all the things I slowly have to leave behind so that I could move on with my life. Sigh. Here's hoping the years that lie ahead will be twice as awesome to make up for the years I could've lived more. Here's to being 20 and admitting that it is really, finally time to grow up.

*But an extra year to be young and foolish would be nice. Oh, by some miracle let it be so!

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