THEORY: Damage

When you damage something, there's nothing you can do to fix it. Sure you can piece it together, put some glue or tape to stick, or maybe you can buy a new thing altogether but really, you aren't bringing back the thing you destroyed. I mean, damage is done and its just something you live with. Fact is, it can't be fixed.

It sucks when you destroy something you own, when you damage yourself but its even suck-ier if you are damaged by someone else or you damage another. Its such a big burden, you know, to hold that kind of guilt on your conscience forever or place that guilt on someone else. No matter what you do to make up for it or what he/she does to make it up to you, its a hopeless unsolvable case. You will forever be a destroyer to the eyes of the person you damaged, you will forever despise that person who damaged you. And I don't think that's a memory of one's self one would want others, much so one's self, to remember years down the road.

But there is still an even worse scenario. It is suck-iest if the person you despise is at the same time the person you love. You hate them for damaging you, you tell yourself that you will never forgive them, you say you never want to see them again... but you love them, you forgive them and you just want to keep seeing them. You try to forget the damage done, move on and just deal with it but you can't. You keep going back to that moment you were hurt, when everything changed, when all the things you believed in, all the things you knew became unclear. You look at that person and see all the things you want to leave behind then blink and see all the things you never want to let go. And in this twisted process, the damage the other person has done never heals because you continue to keep the wound open. While the other person is trying to make amends, you continue to hurt yourself, sometimes far more than the original hurt you felt.

Really, I can see no end to this cycle. Its like a run on a good pair of stockings. Its only good until it gets that first scratch then the run will just keep going until you just can't use the pair anymore. I guess the worst scenario is that - when the damage is too much, you are left with something useless, something you just have to throw away.

What a sad post this has been but its a post that I must make... to cope with the damage done to me.

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