THEORY: Shadows

There are many feelings I dislike- like jealousy, anxiety and being out of place. And what I hate most about feelings is that you are never really sure if its 'real' or its just you.

I will try to be as descriptive of the feeling I'm going through and make it appear hypothetical. At least it makes me appear less of a loser who appeases herself by talking to herself about it. (It appears I just countered my objective by explaining it. Hay.)

There's this looming shadow above me these days. It makes bright, sunny days and gloomy, rainy ones appear one and the same.  And this shadow appears to be hovering only me and because of that, I feel I see things a little differently from others... and others see me a little differently as well. Its like I don't belong.

Imagine you are in the middle of a crowd of people and they pass by you like you aren't there. The person on your right is talking to the person on your left and you look at both of them and wonder if they even realize your presence. Sometimes you are acknowledged, sometimes you are made aware that you are part of a conversation but you can't seem to figure out if you are allowed to jump in. On the occasions that you do jump in, people look at you and listen and like some dust that fell on their shoulder, they brush you off the moment you utter the last word of your sentence (if they even let you finish your sentence at all).

You can't call them rude because they do not really do anything to you. They don't do anything to you - that's the problem. They don't interact with you, they don't include you, they don't feel you. To exaggerate, it makes you question your existence in that moment. You ask, 'Am I really here?' or worse, "Do they want me here?"

And the rotten cherry over the melted ice cream is that I don't know if this is all truly happening or its all just in my head. I do hope its in my head because I can do something to fix that. I don't think I can fix other people's heads.

Oh feelings, cast your shadow on someone else, or better yet spread sunshine instead.

No comments: