STORY: Intoxicated

For months now, I have been torturing myself (and consequently, the people around me) by keeping these terrible feelings inside me. It's not that I don't want to free these feelings, because I absolutely do. It's just that I don't have anyone to free these feelings to. The people I can talk to won't care and the people who do care aren't really the people I feel most comfortable talking to about these feelings. So, I just end up keeping these feelings to myself and when I can't take it anymore, I act on it by doing crazy stuff... and no one really knows why I do such crazy things but me!

I hate having to suppress myself. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. But I guess the shame and judgment I may get when I do share these feelings will be much worse. When I share my feelings, I may free myself from the burden of keeping secrets but I would just replace it with feelings of embarrassment and self-pity. 

This is such a lose-lose situation... and I'm the one who loses both ways.

P.S. I know I said I don't drink but I have tried drinking a few times. And from the rare times I do take alcohol, I feel free. When the alcohol takes its effect on me, it's like I don't care what others think of the things I say. So I guess, in my case, I need some alcohol to finally be able to share my feelings with these people who do care about me. The problem though is the day after. I may be carefree when I tell them about my feelings but what happens when the alcohol wears off and they now know what I truly feel? What then? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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