STORY: Left Behind

I'm depressed. That first line serves as a warning. If you do not want to be dragged down into depression and bad vibes land, then I suggest you move along. Nothing to see here but self pity and insecurity.

I don't belong. I know I've blogged about this before but this time the feeling is more intense. If I had the comfort in the possibility that my imagination was to blame for my being out-of-place before, well now I don't. Now, the feeling of being left out is real... and I can't ignore it any longer.

My co-trainees are all moving forward. Heck, some are even on independent mode already. When they talk about the stuff they do, I wouldn't think of them as trainees. They could very well be in the same line as some of the regular employees here in the office. They are all learning the ropes of the biz so fast that I can't help but compare all the things they have accomplished to the little (close to none) that I have. I am  less exposed and less knowledgeable about anything and everything and everyday this realization scrapes a little of my confidence and self-esteem away. I don't know who to blame so I won't. I'm just going to wallow about my sad reality. I am being left behind.

P.S. And guess what, I even came up with a metaphor to describe this whole situation out. My co-trainees are rivers. They are free flowing bodies of water. They may encounter some rocks along the way but they continue to move forward towards the big blue ocean. I, on the other hand, am a swamp. I am the stagnant body of water that does not move. I am where mosquitoes and rejected zoo reptiles live and breed. I will take a much longer time reaching the ocean, heck, I may never even catch a glimpse of it. I will just have to stand watching the river pass me by and settle with imagining what freedom from the big blue ocean feels like. (And yes, I shared this with my co-trainees and yes, I do believe they see me differently now despite their funny and witty comments trying to ride on with my metaphor. Yes, my life sucked even more after I came up with that metaphor. Yes, it didn't help one bit. Yes, I will stop saying yes. No.)

P.P.S. I was never one to eat the stress and depression away but things have changed. Hello big breakfast, please restore some of my self-esteem, okay?


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