THEORY: Growing Dreams

I refuse to face the fact that I am no longer as much of a dreamer as I used to be. These days, I would speak of my belief of happily ever afters and rainbows after the rain, but believe less and less in what I preach. I have become more skeptical about things and less motivated to prove my doubts wrong. I don't like to admit that this is happening, but I guess my denial isn't helping the dreamer inside me find the courage to take over my life again, huh? Maybe this what they call growing up. Oh my gosh, I'm growing up! Nooooo

I hate how when I make my list of things to achieve by the time I'm 25 in my head, I stop myself and tell myself all the reasons why this dream is not practical, how this dream is not reachable, or why this dream is pointless. I used to believe no dream was pointless, that dreams were dreams and that these dreams did not need reasons for them to qualify as a dream. But I have been unconsciously doing that, the analyzing of my dreams whether it is dream-worthy or not, for sometime now and I only realized that when I noticed my dream list has gone down to zero. It appears that nothing is practical enough, reachable enough or worthy enough to dream about. And that is just sad. 

Let me give you an example. For the past 2 or 3 years, I have been tossing the idea of moving out and living alone sometime in my 20s in my head. Actually, even when I was younger, I would dream of the independent life and all the things I would be doing. But now, when I would visit the idea, I wouldn't classify this thought as a dream. Every time I would imagine this fantasy life, I would be abruptly cut by my thoughts of bills, of chores, of having to think of what to eat when I get home. And when I get cut, I don't try to go back to my fantasy, I just wake up and go back to my reality. I just move on and don't even try to give my fantasy a fighting chance to be a dream. I hate myself for that! Ever since I entered my teenage years, this fantasy was all I would dream about. My "Someday I will..." sentence always had living alone in it but it appears I have given up on that dream. And I feel I betrayed myself for that.

I always like reading the flyers for condominiums that sales people hand out in malls and in the streets. I would look at the floor plan and imagine how I would decorate the place, how I would receive guests, how I would let my sisters sleep over for the weekend. But after that brief moment of imagination, I just crumple the flyer and throw it away. However, these days, I have been keeping the flyers. I have been looking up the condominiums online and researching more about the location and payment schemes. I have given this fantasy a chance to be a dream once again. I believe it is because I decided to accept that I am growing up and that dreaming is a whole different thing then and now, that I am finally able to start making my dream list again. Confrontation and acceptance of how I've changed was what I really needed. Hanging on to my old dreamer self wasn't going to help me reach my dreams and leaving it totally behind would leave me without any motivation for the future.

I try to approach my dreams in a more practical way, factoring in all the ugly pieces of reality, but I also make sure to put in a few stars and rainbows along the way. I'm learning to give my thoughts a chance at being a dream before shooting it down. I am learning to balance my past and my present as I try to figure out how I want my future to be. It hasn't been easy and I don't think it will be... but I guess that's growing up. 

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