THEORY: Stereotype

I know I'm going to be every bit of a stereotype in this post but I'm going to share my thoughts anyway. I don't like saying what I feel. I like keeping things to myself and letting others figure out that I am feeling a certain way. I do not know if it is hardwired into being female or I'm just plain mean, but getting mad at people for not being psychic seems to be an unfortunate characteristic I possess. 

I think it's a way to protect myself. Expressing how I feel makes me vulnerable. I allow someone else to know that I'm sad, or angry, or happy, or jealous, or insecure because of them. It's a scary feeling knowing that someone else has power over you, that someone else is able to affect how you act and feel, so letting them know about it, acknowledging that this power is true, is just going to make the situation even worse. Right? Am I making sense?

But of course, as much as I want to keep the feelings in and pray that it magically goes into oblivion, that never really happens. The feeling just bounces around inside, sometimes in my stomach, sometimes in my head, but most times in my heart. I have tried to deal with the restlessness this cooping up of feelings has brought, but no technique has worked so far. So my being upset, my being jealous, my being angry just stays there inside me, building up and crushing me from the inside.

Unfortunately, I get mad at the people that cause these emotions for not doing anything to make me feel better. Never mind that the logic of my wish is non-existent, I just get mad at them and they do not even know why. They try to figure it out (but I do give hints every now and then) and when they do get it right, I deny it! Again, admitting that they have power over me is just too scary for me to actually go through! So I say the cliche lines you see on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook about girls saying one thing but meaning another thing like, "Nothing" "Sure, I'm okay" "No, you go ahead" but really, it's not nothing, I'm not okay and I do not want you to go anywhere. 

Sometimes I curse being female. Actually, I just curse being me.

P.S. My latest coping strategy is just crying all the feelings out. I try not to fight with anyone who doesn't read my mind and just deal with my issues in a corner, or in a restroom cubicle and cry. Okay, loser signs are flashing towards me already, I'll stop now.

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