STORY: Restless Soul

I want to cry right now but I won't. I don't want to be defeated by this. Rather than sob about it, I'll blog the feelings away.

For the past months I have been feeling out of place. And not the social out-of-place kind where you can't figure how to join in on a conversation (although I have had my fair share of that kind of being out-of-place), but the existential out-of-place kind where you don't know where you belong. 

I have been displaced for quite sometime now and I honestly thought at the beginning that it would just be a matter of time until I find out what position I am best fit for. But as the weeks passed by, it has become clearer and clearer that the reason I still have not found that "position" is because the position does not exist! That I am displaced because there is no place for me! That I am a round puzzle piece being forced to fit into a square. That I am really dead weight.

This feeling of floating around, being passed to and fro is torture! I feel so small having to beg (well, sort of) for something to do and having people dismiss me more times than I could bare. I'm confused. I do not know what the problem is. I do not know why I have yet to find my place. It's like I'm going through puberty again. It's like I'm a lost tween figuring out my place in the world. I've been through that confusing phase of life already, I do not intend to go through it again. 

Please, if I should go to heaven or hell, let the judgment be placed upon me. That would be better than having me wander around like a restless soul bound to haunt the earth for the rest of eternity... well, until November 20. If I am fit for this place, then please give me something that makes me feel like I am part of this. But if the sad truth is that I do not belong here, then I'd rather have you let me go than keep me trapped and... well, restless.

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