THEORY: Here We Go Again

I keep telling myself that things will become easier, that things will eventually fall back into place, that things will go back to normal... but I'm starting to accept that I'm just fooling myself. 

I've been going through this vicious, draining and tiring cycle for almost a year now and it shows no sign of ending anytime soon. I keep telling myself when a cycle is about to end that this will be the last time, that I've learned to deal with it, that I have figured out a way to go about this situation. But so far, no last time ever did become the last. I go through the cycle over and over and over again! And every time I go through it, I am scraped off a little bit of my sanity. 

I want to escape, seriously. Sometimes I think that maybe I want the pain. Maybe I'm stuck because I'm some sort of sadist that enjoys pain being inflicted on me... but no, I'm not that kind of crazy. I am not enjoying this pain, and I am most definitely not enjoying inflicting pain on others along the way (who I unfortunately do hurt as I go through these cycles)! So, no. I do not want this... at all! I want this insanity to end. I want things to go back to how they used to be. I want my sane, safe, happy self back. I want to wake up from this nightmare already because right now, it feels like I just keep waking up to the same nightmare over and over. I mean, even Inception had a finite number of layers, right? I'm bound to wake up eventually, right? Just wondering how many layers more until I get back to the real world. 

But until I get out of this cycle, until I wake from this nightmare, I'll have to put a brave face on and suck it... because tomorrow, the cycle begins once again. 

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