STORY: Year Ender

It has been a long while since I last blogged. I'm starting to entertain the fear that I might outgrow the habit as I did with Candy magazine reading. But then again, I left and returned to blogging so many times through different sites and forms (yes, I'm counting old school diary writing) that I don't think it is 100% possible.

Anyhoo, it's the time of the year when I make my year ender post (like anyone really cares what happened to my year) and I won't skip that! More than just keeping my habit of blogging alive, it serves as a mini reflection session for me. Since 2011, I have yet to go on a retreat again and though I tell myself that I will do so even after Catholic school days, I am doubtful on the actionability of it. So my year ender post is an okay alternative for now. It's still very personal and it really makes me reflect, understand, learn, laugh and cry and be thankful for everything the Lord has put my way.

I'm going to save the details for my official year ender post but in general, 2013 turned out to be like one of those filler episodes. Something about it just made me feel that I just have to get through the year so I can finally get to the good stuff the following year. I'm hoping my "feeling" is right because I can't take another filler year (like I can't take another filler ep of How I Met Your Mother!)


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THEORY: Outside The Lines

It frustrates and disappoints me how one change can make me hate something I actually like. It brings frustration to a whole new level because it not only adds up to the things that bring me ugly feelings, it also robs me of a source of joy!

Let's use coloring as an example. Let's say you like coloring. You look forward to doing it because you feel you are actually pretty good at it and you feel satisfaction in seeing your own work finished. And even if it stresses you out sometimes, when you can't get that shade of blue just right, you carry on. Because that stress actually gives you motivation to try again and do better.

But one day someone tells you that you need to color a certain way. You followed, of course, because you are eager to learn how to improve your coloring and how to better the experience. You give this new way a shot but then you realize something isn't right. You are doing the same thing you love, coloring, but you don't feel happy at all. You stress out as well but you aren't motivated to correct the source of stress.

You then realize you now dread having to color. You want to avoid the activity in the anticipation of horrible feelings that come with the activity. It feels as though you are being forced to color with your left hand when you are right handed - so unnatural. And what's even worse is that you get spanked in the hand for coloring outside the lines (even by accident). When you think of it, yes, coloring outside the lines is wrong and should be corrected but if you think about it some more, it's just a result of having to do something in a way that isn't natural to you. It is inevitable that a right handed person make a mess when she is forced to use her left.

You tolerate the spanking and tell yourself to stop f*cking up. You not only feel the physical pain of spanking but also suffer the mental torture of never being quite good enough. After a while, you realize you need to take a step back and ask yourself, "How has it come to this?"

Then you realize that though using the left hand to color can be learned, it will never feel as nafural... and you will never be as happy. In the end, you either just learn to live with the spanking and accept the fact that coloring will no longer be in the list of your destressing activities or stand up and say, "I'll have to do things my way"

Of course you can't just say that so you just say it in your head. You say it every time you see a picture you are asked to color. You say it every time you imagine how you would have colored the picture differently if given the chance, no, freedom. You say it in private or during the sneaky chances you actually get away with coloring with your right hand again. You say it and dream it to be true and for a while you're as happy as you were again.

Then you get caught and are told to put that crayon back to your left hand and you carry on. You color outside those lines and you get spanked and you get numb. You color and color and continue to wonder if you will ever get that shade of blue just right then realize it just doesn't matter anymore. You just need to keep your colors inside those darn lines.

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THEORY: Fireworks

Source
On the way home from Tarlac last Saturday night, we saw fireworks about a few kilometers away. It was already very late so the road was very dark and the sky was pitch black (yes, our high ways do not have light posts!) so the fireworks stood out with all its sparkles and colors...

BUT, it was so puny against the vast black sky. 

THEORY: Cheers to 22!

Turning 22 wasn't such a big deal... and I don't mean that in a bad way. 

I think 22 is the age when you stop looking back at your life in years and start looking back in chapters. It no longer feels like every year is independent of each other, like each year is a new chance to reinvent yourself (as in my case). Rather, it feels like a year is not long enough to fulfil the things you set out to do for yourself so you clump three, four, ten years together and count it as one. 

THEORY: Passion Finder

From all the lists I've read on various blogs about what twenty-somethings should do with their lives, one thing keeps recurring - find what you love and go for it. It's like we are all being programmed to just throw our cares out the window and live for the moment. We are told that our lives shouldn't be spent living out the boring, predetermined life path society of yesteryears taught our parents. We are told not to waste a single minute not doing the things we are most passionate about. And we believe all these movie-worthy plot lines like we choose to believe Zac Efron is mere mortal (no, he is not!). But as expected, we end up frustrated because like all things in life, this go-after-your-passion mentality is easier said than done

But besides all the external factors stopping us from going after what we love, what makes this idea of a life of passion more difficult is our internal battles. What if my passion isn't passionate about me? What if wanting something so bad does not make me any better at it? What if I go after what I love, risking all my comfort zone, and still end up unhappy? What then?

I want to go after the things I want, really. But I'm scared, insecure, confused and doubtful. I have so many negative feelings over taking one step towards what I think is my passion that I'm starting to doubt whether any of this "suffering" is worth it. But then, I realize that I'm more afraid of regret than rejection. More terrified of living a boring, unfruitful life than one with very extreme lows but extreme ups as well. 

Lord, as always, I lift my questions, my confusions and my struggles up to you so tonight, I can sleep with peace and wake up with new hope that tomorrow will be better than today. 


STORY: Overdrive

On the day of my birthday, Jose's gift to me was to bring me to the one place I could only drag him to on my birthday - Tagaytay's ukay ukay! I had such a blast going through racks and racks of clothes even if I had to drag Jose from one store to another. It was very kind of him to try and contain his annoyance (although I could still feel it! Haha)

STORY: Movie Stars Cafe [Review]

It's been a while since I've done a review. Usually, I just make one when a place or thing is really, really good or really, really bad. In this case, it's bad. 

I celebrated my birthday at Movie Stars Cafe just yesterday and it was a total bust. The disaster started when I decided to buy vouchers online. The deal clearly states that the original price is P1,000+ and that I was just going to pay P599 for it. I thought,"Sweet!" but it was actually very, very bitter. I would later find out that the buffet really costs P599 so I actually did not save on anything! And to think I just bought the deal because I thought I was getting it for a bargain. I could have gotten another deal for a just few more hundred  pesos and would get far better food at a better ambiance! 

STORY: I'm Feeling 22!

It's my second year as a working gal and I'm still as excited as the first time to treat my family out. Like the first time, I really thought of where I was going to bring my family to. I wanted it to be some place new and exciting while making sure it serves the kind of food my family would enjoy. And from all the photos and reviews of people, I thought Movie Stars Cafe fit the bill perfectly!

STORY: 22

It's my birthday! So grateful for the year that has been (and for being able to celebrate that with the people I love) that I had to post the photo from my birthday dinner a few hours ago right away! Photo diary and review to follow :)

STORY: Halloween Photo Diary

It's been a while since I posted a photo heavy post. During the first years of blogging, my posts were heavy on photos of my day but in the recent months, my posts are mostly me typing in drama. Haha! Time for a breather!


THEORY: Gratitude

Last night, when Amanda and I got home from my office Halloween party, I saw an old man and a small child going through the garbage outside our house. I was carrying a huge garbage bag full of toys and treats that Amanda got from the trick-or-treat activity earlier that day that the irony was so obvious you could already tell what happened next (but I'm telling you anyway). Of course, seeing that I had a garbage bag full of treats too many that it could last us the whole year and right in front of me are people who are digging through garbage, there was no more human thing to do but share what abundance I had. 

THEORY: Figuring It Out



"You must face the age of not believing
Doubting ev'rything you ever knew
Until at last you start believing
There's something wonderful...
Truly wonderful in you"

Sometimes, I envy people who got it all figured out. I rarely get puzzled about how people get as wealthy, as smart or as pretty as they are, but I am always very curious as to how those who figured out who they are and what they want to do with their lives got to where they are. And when I say "figured out," I don't necessarily mean wealth, fame and success. I just mean being at peace with oneself with where one is and where one is headed. I mean, is there a crash course to this somewhere? There seems to be one on getting rich, getting famous and getting pretty already! 

STORY: Attraction

I don't know about you, but when a guy does something for me that is out of his character and does so willingly because he knows that somethings is important to you, that's when I'm truly, sincerely, head-over-heels attracted.

Testing, testing

So I downloades this app, Blogaway and I'm hoping it helps me blog more easily therefore more often.


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THEORY: Miley Mentality

Photo source

I don't love my Miley Cyrus but I don't hate her as well. I don't think she's evil, a sl*t/b*tch, or will/can single handedly destroy the world as we know it. No one can ever destroy anything by just being themselves. Ever. Miley can be whoever she wants and it wouldn't change a thing in my life unless I willingly let it. I know that celebrities, to some extent, dictate culture but the blame for this "culture" is as much the responsibility of the celebrity as the people who embrace it. This kind of mentality, finding who to blame for the wrong that is happening in our lives, is just pathetic and very immature. 

STORY: Puti

I love watching movies. If I would limit the things I would do during my free time to five, it would be writing, drawing, making videos, sleeping and watching TV and movies. I don't want to call myself artsy but I have always been inclined to participate, involve myself in or appreciate others' art. It's just the way I've always been. But despite all that, I am in no way an expert or a credible critic of art. I just say what I know and understand and none of my interpretations are backed up by any academic study of sorts. In short, I've just been winging this "artsy" fascination of mine ever since. 

That said, I'm really very hesitant to make a review of this film I watched recently. It's an entry in the CineFilipino festival and is penned and directed by Mike Alcazaren, the husband of my ever bubbly producer, Ms. Liz. Being that this review is for someone I am within a few degrees of relation, the pressure to give a good, but still honest and genuine review, is just so high! And since I really do not have a credible background in film (just the one class I took on film language and the five years of Cinemalaya marathoning and talks), I'm afraid I might misread some symbols and give such inaccurate interpretations of the film. But as I do with all my own work, I insist that people give me their reviews. No matter how good or bad the reviews I get, it helps me better my craft (if I ever did have one!) and knowing from a very good source (yes, this is you Ms. Liz) that Direk Mike is an artist to its truest sense, I know he would welcome criticism the same way. 

Now on to the movie...

STORY: Work Tears

I know I just blogged about work and how I shouldn't be complaining about where I am and what I'm doing... but I can't help but post yet another one. I am just so tired. I think it's a perfectly reasonable feeling. I work morning to night, Monday to Friday and it's like I'm never given a chance to catch my breathe. I'm just soooo tired that the only thing left to do is cry in hopes that the aches and the pains go out of my body with the tears. 

Kbye. I have more work to do. And yeah, it's 10pm. 

STORY: The Future Has Arrived


I never had any childhood friends. Maybe it's because we moved a lot (although always around Manila) so I never really got the chance to develop relationships with other children longer than two years. Or, it could be that my brother and I were rarely allowed to go out because we grew up with the busy city streets outside our front door. But honestly, I believe I never had any childhood friends because as early as 3 to 4 years old, I was already the snobbish girl I [appear to be] am today.

THEORY: Andy Sketches - Through The Years Edition!


I have always loved drawing. Ever since I could remember, I would ask for crayons, pencils and sketch pads during birthdays and christmases.  Eventually, I would ask for more "grown up" art materials like paint, brushes, oil pastels, and markers.

STORY: Fighting the Gen Y Gene


Please read this article before reading the post below: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wait-but-why/generation-y-unhappy_b_3930620.html

The post above could not have come along my news feed at a more appropriate time. After all my blog posts ranting about career related stress (Read this, this, this, and this. I rant a lot, don't I?), this article has enlightened me as to why this is so. 

I belong to a generation of self-entitled, shortcut loving, ambitious people. I fully admit that I fit the bill perfectly.... but! Do know that I do not do this consciously. I only realised I was being such when I read through the article. I never thought of my stress as coming from an over ambitious idea of my future and a ridiculous sense of being special. Not that I'm washing my hands of any of the fault here, but we, Gen Y, are raised by our parents to be this way so technically, we are over ambitious and self-entitled by default. But no use pointing fingers now, huh? Moving on...

After reading the article, I reflected on where my problems were coming from and I started to look at myself as an arrogant, impatient and over ambitious 21 year old. I would love to smack myself on the head for feeling bad about where I am at my age and for feeling like I deserved more for what I have to offer. All my rant posts are starting to sound too silly for me to feel sympathy for any of them any more!

It's so crazy that just the other day I was talking about all the things I must achieve by the time I reach 25. In my head, 4 years is enough time for me to reach this ideal level of success. But looking at the charts in the article, I am being delusional! The level of success I want to achieve is not equal to the amount of time I am allotting. I want things to kick start now and reach its peak at too fast a rate. I don't have the skills, the experience or the blood, sweat and tears poured out on anything yet to demand so much from the world! I repeat, this is so crazy of me!

After reading the article, I gained a new perspective on my work life. I now feel ashamed about feeling bad about my current state but at the same time I now feel determined to prove that I can give the work and effort and gain the experience the generation ahead of me had to earn to get the success I want.

Note to self: Patience is a virtue and there is no shortcut to success. Repeat 1000x

STORY: 8 Minutes

It's 6:42 AM and I've had enough internal rants to last me a week. I was grumbling while I fed the dog. I was grunting while I took a shower. I was snarking while I picked out the top I was going to wear today. But thank God for the shuffle feature on iPods. Passenger Seat came on (don't ask why this song, just go with it) and blasted drom my dock and I found myself singing my heart out to the song and forgot to grumble, grunt or snark at any point! I was happy for a moment and told myself this must be blogged. 

Then I grumbled, grunted and snarked again because of the slooooow internet and how my sudden happiness was slowing fading before I could even write about it. You know my blogging is very dependent on my emotions and the words I've already typed in would have sounded so much more gleeful if the internet had loaded this page 10 minutes sooner. 

But there's no use crying over spilled milk (or slow internet) so what is the point of this post, huh? Well, it's to share one of the many "What has Andrea learned today?" moments. Well, for this episode, I learned that I shouldn't let the anticipated stress ruin the moment that is happening right now. Imagine, I ruined my morning because of something that has yet to happen. I love taking my showers. I let myself, well, my mind, loose in those 10-15 minutes. I go to the craziest and happiest places in those few minutes and I threw it away on negativity. 

But again, this is so much easier in theory. It's not an easy task to shut your brain off, or to at least direct it to the thoughts you want to entertain... especially with me, the person who likes to think of everything! 

I just glanced at the time and it's already 6:50am. I have about 10 minutes to finish fixing my bag, put on some eyebrows and dash out the door to face that stress I've been anticipation all morning. Oh, joy! Not.



P.S. Although getting all these feelings out has relieved me of some of the stress so, yay!

STORY: Stress is making me more prayerful

Lord, please give me the patience and strength to hang on a little longer. Let me stay for as long as I need to. Don't let me give up and don't let me give in without having anything to fall to. Don't let me abuse the freedom (I think) I have. Don't let the thoughts of possibly quitting and running away from responsibility enter my mind and let those negative thoughts that are already in my mind out.

Lord, help me during this troubling time when the rest of my life feels like it's sitting on my shoulders. The weight is figuratively and literally bringing me down most days and it's a feeling that I don't think I can get used to, nor do I want to get used to. Let the rest of my life know that I don't want it hovering around and reminding me about all the things I need to do at a certain time at a certain place. I can't handle the stress right now and even if I could, I don't want to handle it. 

Lord, it's almost midnight yet again and I will have to savor the next 6 hours of sleep that I can. Let's have this "conversation" again the next time I have 30 minutes of my 8-hour life-out-of-work to spare. Good night. I shall continue praying to you offline now. 

STORY: Lazy

I am sooooo lazy over the weekends that getting anything done is a miracle! But cut me some slack. The entire week I am basically a machine that times in and out of the house (take note, house! It's like I'm a border at my own home now) at 8am and 11pm respectively. I don't have time to be lazy, to sleep, to watch TV, to mindlessly surf the net for 5 days straight! So it isn't totally unreasonable for me to want to do all those things during the weekends because those are the only days I could. 


But that being the case, I never get any of the things I said I would do done. I have been putting off my salon visit for months and now my hair is a total disaster. The idea that I would be wasting 5 hours of my weekend sitting at a salon versus lying in my sleepwear while watching TV just makes me depressed! I want to get my hair done but I don't want to get out of bed either! I also haven't burned any of the DVDs I said I would and it has been over a month already. I told myself I would reboot my old laptop so it would function faster but before I could, I need to burn all my files, particularly TV shows, first. But surprise, surprise, my laptop has been functioning like a snail for months while the DVDs I bought have been collecting dust on the side (Can I get a pat on the back for actually buying those DVDs? I postponed buying those DVDs for weeks as well!)

But good news though. I am finally starting to burn those DVDs. Unfortunately, burning the DVDs is taking waaaaaaay longer than I hoped and my lazy self is taking over again. I'm just 10% in from burning the FIRST DVD and I'm already thinking of stopping and going back to bed and rolling with my sheets until time for mass at 6pm. 

Please help me get this DVD burning done so I can force myself to go to the salon next weekend! 

STORY: The Downside of Blogging

Cringe worthy grammar, definitely! 

If only I had the time and will power to edit all my mistakes in my previous blog posts, I would! But that would defeat the purpose of blogging. Blogging is supposed to capture who you are at the time of posting so if you were a person (a.k.a. me) who didn't know the difference between "it's" and "its" two years ago, then suffer a lifetime of remembrance!

How embarrassing! 

STORY: Blog Makeover for the Nth Time

I am so happy with how my new layout turned out. The colors are great, the icons are great, the photo sizes are great, too! Actually, I am just really happy that I finally got to do this kind of thing again. I sorely miss spending hours and hours on editing photos, videos, layouts and not stopping until I'm satisfied. I know I'm just talking about a blog here, but when I do these things, editing, blogging, designing, I just feel so happy. I can't put into words this feeling I have now more appropriately than with passion. It's just a different joy when you do things for passion and apparently, all it takes for me to recharge, and rid myself of all these looming bad vibes, is to visit these "passion" activities of mine once in a while. 


It's quite ironic though that these activities that take me hours to complete, causing me to lose sleep over the weekend, the only days I have time to sleep more than 6 hours, are what makes me feel energized and ready to head back to the daily grind. 

Ahhh, I can't concentrate on this post because I just want to stare at my new layout again. Bye.

STORY: Graduation Getaway

I have a bunch of whiny posts coming up (well, I hope are coming up... because you know, I might not have the time, as usual) but please let me get this one awesome post out of the way first.



Jose finally graduated last August 29 at PICC. I say "finally" not out of annoyance (like when you finally get that food stuck in your teeth since lunch out... uh, ew?) or relief (like when somebody finally says something about the insane number of selfies your narcissist online friend posts) but out of happiness long overdue (like when you finally see two people get married... but mistake no marriages in this story!) I am just really, sincerely, overly happy about Jose reaching this milestone after the long, back and forth, almost stepping off track journey that is college! 

THEORY: Break Out

I can't stand it anymore. I want to break out! And you only feel like breaking out if you feel trapped in the first place. 

I can't believe this but I think I hate what I used to love. I can't believe I just said that. I think I really do hate it! I hate it so much right now I'm not even thinking of taking this back tomorrow when my nerves cool down

Lord, guide me. 

STORY: Burning Out Fast

I don't think I can handle the pressure any more! I'm going crazy over all these hovering thoughts on whether I am making the right choices or not. I even go as far as imagining how my choices will affect my life 5 years down the road! Quarter life crisis at its finest! 

I am hardworking and determined, even a perfectionist sometimes. I am not bragging, I'm just sure of myself regarding those traits. BUT being hardworking and determined does not mean I  am a workaholic person. I love doing my best but that does not equal loving work. I do not like to look for work. I just make sure I do the best with the work assigned to me. There is a difference and a very big one if I may add. 

I want work-life balance. As much as I want to be the best employee (since I have this thing about being the best I can be at everything), I also want to be the best sister, daughter, girlfriend and friend I can be. Right now, I am pouring all my efforts on the work part... and not by choice. I don't want to come off as whiny or lazy but work just eats up more time than I am willing to allot. I don't want to reject responsibility but I don't know how I can achieve "balance" without doing so. I repeat, I'm not lazy to do the work nor am I not capable of delivering. I just want time and energy and more time.

THEORY: Instant MTV

Whenever I hear songs, particularly cheesy love songs, I instantly create an MTV in my head - complete with slow motion, black and white and blank stares... actually, just like one of those tacky Windows Movie Maker auto movies! Sometimes I get very emotional since my  instant MTVs can be a little too dramatic, almost like those tribute videos you play during funerals. More often though I become extra cheesy, just like last night when the song "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden played on my iPod during the drive home. I matched almost every word of the song with a specific moment with Jose. See, it's sounding cheesy already! Anyway, let's just go to straight to the song and my matching MTV, okay?


Let me take you through the song with matching photos. Note that since I imagined it as a tacky karaoke-worthy MTV, I shall make tacky visuals for this post! Para buo ang experience! :P

THEORY: Love Takes Work

It' not that I love my family more or I love my boyfriend better. I just love them differently. And since the love is different, there isn't reason to compare since this isn't an apples to apples thing. It's just sad that this is a continuous battle both external and [more] internal. 

If you base my love on the extent of contact and communication, then boyfriend will win hands down. But I don't measure love this way. When faced with a life and death situation, I will, without a doubt, catch a bullet for any of my family members. When I need to give up food for my siblings to eat, I will willingly starve. When I need to miss out on my favorite show to help someone out, I will suffer in silence (Oh Lord, you know how I love my TV!) In short, I may not be with them as often, but I will be there when it matters. 

But, being me, I try to understand why I choose to spend more time with the boyfriend than with my family. And as I put this unnecessary stress of thinking on myself, I realised that the reason I choose to be with the boyfriend more often is because the love we have is a love I chose. I wasn't born to love him. I found him on my own and decided to love him. The love we have requires more work so I have to invest more of myself in it. I had the advantage of being born to my family and spending every waking moment with them for the past 16 years so the work on our love kickstarted even before I was aware any work was happening. 

I'm not sure if I'm just rationalising all this time I'm spending with the boyfriend so I won't feel guilty over less family time but whether it's true or not, my sentiments remain the same. Love does take work... and the love I chose just takes a lot more of it. 

THEORY: Ramblings

I wish you knew even half the truth
That it pains me to hurt you
But not as much as it pains me to see
A version of you I never knew

But the biggest pain of all
O the pain in not knowing
Being in the dark with so many questions
Will ourpain still have a chance at healing?


THEORY: The Brave One

I used to think I was brave. Not the bravest, just brave enough. Apparently though I am just as scared as the next person... maybe even more.

I think it's this growing up thing that's making me more of a coward than the last time. As you grow, you come to realize there are more scary things in the world and not just scary things, painful things! As a kid, your fears and pains range from getting a scolding to a bad scrape on the knee... now your fears are far more complex and far less easy to heal.

One of the many fears that has began to cripple me is my fear of being hurt by the person I least expect to. All these years, I tell myself not to fear hurt and I am proud that I have trained myself not to limit myself because of the potential of hurt. But as time goes on, I am slowly losing to this particular kind of hurt. This hurt that you least expect and the hurt you wish will never have to happen... but unfortunately will.

The ideal me would face thos fear head on just like the many other times I've encountered fear. I take a deep breathe and just dive in, hoping that going through the fear and pain will make me realize it was imply stupid to fear it in the first place. The method has proven itself successful through the years (i.e. public speaking) but I seem to doubt my own tested method for this particular fear. I am simply crippled and I just do my best to avoid it. Because more than the fear itself, of being hurt by someone you love, I fear what happens after. Will I ever get over the fear of not healing if ever I lose this person? I have a feeling I won't.

It's funny how I always thought, as a child, that grown ups were the bravest. But it appears I was the bravest I was ever gonna be when I was 5 years old.

STORY: Simple Joys

I can't believe how happy I am this weekend. Actually, add the happiness I feel for being this easy to please... it's a trait I'm proud to have and want to keep.

Anyway, Jose and I's 66th month as a couple falls on a Sunday and we unintentionally had one of the best times together (for me, at least) time to celebrate it. And I say that with all sincerity, which I have to flag right now because you might wonder if this is a joke after I tell you what happened. 

I went with Jose to Ongpin to pick up an item he's going to deliver to his customer the next day. While there, we randomly thought of eating there as well. While we were eating our very late lunch/early dinner in one of Jose's family's go-to chinese places, my heart was already jumping at the realization that we were in a non-mall setting. God knows how many times I asked Jose to mix things up a bit when we go out because our dates have boiled down to a routine. Imagine, we actually ran out of movies to watch! We've watched all the films out in cinemas with the number of times we went out for movie dates! After we ate, we walked a while and headed for his house. I was extra giddy that, again, we were walking in a non-mall hall. 

Chinese food with my huggable Chinese!

STORY: Love in Letting Go

It's true that you only appreciate things once you've lost them. Actually, no. I think it's unfair to assume that everything goes by unappreciated when it has never been lost. Let me correct myself, you appreciate things MORE once you've lost them.

I learned this the hard way. For so many years, I have always got back what I threw away. Perhaps that's why I took things, in this case person, for granted. I was so sure that I will always have this person so I throw words about separation and never seeing each other again like it was so easy. And during those times, I really though it was easy. In my head, I would think that I could be on my own, that I can forget this person so easily and all the things that came with him. But before I could even realize or experience how difficult it is to lose this person, the next day, the next hour even, he would go to me and ask me back. Don't get me wrong, I never did this intentionally just to bask in the glory of being wanted. I just never understood what it felt like to have something so valuable taken away from me. Before I even felt the pain of loss, I had already regain what I lost.

STORY: Forgive Me But I Have To Say This!

Lord, forgive me if I will say things I should't but you know me, I can only keep shut about things for so long.

I do not understand how judging someone by their color, weight or economic status is any different with judging someone by their gender preference. If we see judging someone based on things that do not define whether they are good or bad people as wrong, then why is their gender preference suddenly a big issue? Whether a person loves the opposite sex or the same sex, that person loves all the same... tell me now how that can be a bad thing? Tell me how that difference in gender defines her as good or bad? Tell how that is any different with judging a fat person because she's fat? Pleeeeeaseee. I can not compose sentences with all these frustration over people who can not get the poiiiiiintttt.... HELP ME!

I'm not even sure if I am in position to protest but whatever... I protest in the strongest way possible not with the association of lesbians to any institution but with how this association is presented as a negative. There is nothing wrong with lesbians and I have pondered on being lesbian just to prove a point (but you just can't force things!) And what frustrates me even more is that the people of this institution applaud how the leaders are being so open and gender sensitive when I see this line about how they protest with being associated with lesbians. WHAT?! I mean, fine, they teach gender equality and then protest about lesbians... let them be the contradicting being they are but please, readers, don't applaud them for what they are not!

Controversial Pugad Baboy comic strip by Pol Medina (Run by Philippine Daily Inquirer, June 4, 2013)

THEORY: I Miss You

I miss you so much right now. It's just been four days but it feels like forever already. Actually, what makes the days feel so heavy is the looming feeling of not knowing. Not knowing where I stand and where I'm headed... not knowing if we are still on the same road or not. It's depressing and it just makes me miss you more because you always take my sadness away (regardless of whether you are the cause or not).

I miss you so much I do not know what to do with myself anymore. It has began to affect my functionality. I would break into tears at work, in the road, before I sleep, while I shower. Of course the random crying delays things so you can just imagine how many minutes I've lost trying to ugly cry quietly. The restroom has been my favorite place in the world these past days actually. It's the place I feel safest in because it's the only place I can be alone and truly be honest with my feelings (because even with my blog, I unconsciously filter some things). In front of the toilet and dripping sink, I don't have to explain my feelings. They won't judge me or pity me or tell me things I don't want to hear. I can just ugly cry and not be told I'm ugly (even if I really am)

I miss you so much and I miss being able to tell you that at the instant I feel it. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Let me chant it in the hope that my desperation will fly my message to you wherever you are.

I hope you receive my message and if it's still in your heart to reply, I would love to hear what you have to say... whether it's an "I miss you, too" or the opposite. Because right now, I miss you so much any reply would do.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I just can't say it enough. I miss you.

STORY: I Never Learn

It's like I never learn. This isn't the first time I had to deal with "withdrawal" yet I still commit the same mistakes. I keep running back to the thing I am supposedly running away from. And that is not helping "withdrawing" one bit.

I keep myself updated any way I know how about where you are and what you're doing. I'm not sure why I want to be updated when what I should want is to forget... but deep inside I know that I just want to see a sign that you miss me, too. That you too are waiting for my next post, or upload, or tweet in the blind hope that it's about you. 

But so far, my hidden agenda has brought me to more disappointment, sadness and pain. Because from all the things I see, it looks like life has become better without me. That all these posts I keep myself updated with about you is simply updating me that I am already an outdated piece of you.

It already hurts me to think about the possibility of you being capable of erasing me. So it hurts even more now that I can see proof of this dreadful thought. 

I know I should stop looking. I should have learned from the past 2 or 3 times... 

But I just never learn.

STORY: Poetic Pain

I've been trying to be poetic about my feelings these past few days, with the hope that with every word I type in, a little bit of the pain goes away. But this coping method has failed me so far. The only thing this blogging does is formalize my feelings. It just gives me a concrete view of the chaos that is happening inside me. 

To an extent, yes, the blogging has helped me clear a few things. Writing down what I feel and then being able to reread it, makes me look at my feelings from a third person perspective. I can objectively look at my thoughts and analyze how flawed or how painful or how exaggerated some of the things I am going through are. But nothing more. It's like I'm just slapping the truth across my face.

But for those like me who have no other choice, who have no idea what else to do, we just keep doing what we are doing... even if it isn't any help. I mean, I want to talk to someone but I can't muster enough trust or comfort to even begin. Maybe if you get me drunk enough not to care, maybe I can let off some steam in front of another human being instead of my lifeless blog. 

But isn't getting drunk worse than blogging? Yeah, thought so, too. Will stick to blogging then... that is until I get that desperate. 

STORY: All Roads Lead To You

I love that I can really drive now. As in drive, drive. Drive without someone in the passenger seat constantly telling me what to do. I really love that I can drive now.

And for the past months that I have finally been bestowed with this overdue privilege, I thought of the skill as nothing but a positive thing. Can you imagine all the freedom and control I had over my life just because I could drive? I could go anywhere, anytime I wanted.

But after tonight, I have developed a tiny bit of hate for it... because it just leads me back to you. And I mean that both literally and figuratively.

STORY: Tell Me What To Do

My brain seriously needs an on and off switch. I can't stop thinking and it's driving me crazy! One moment my brain tells me I'm happy and I should be reassured that I'm going to be better. But by the next minute, my brain gives me all these negative thoughts... thoughts that make me want to lock myself up in a room and cry... or sometimes, just find the closest living thing and hold it, just to feel that I can still be close to something. 

I'm very scared. I haven't been this terrified about something I can control. I should be able to control my thoughts, right!? But I can't. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I just want people to tell me what to do. I just want to know what to do next. Tell what I should do, please! I don't want to be sacred anymore. I don't. I really don't.

THEORY: Growing Apart


"Sometimes you have to grow apart to keep growing together" but you know what, sometimes you just grow apart. Period. 

I haven't figured out what kind of separation is the worst - through death, through physical fights, through lies, through growing apart, etc. but I have tried to weigh the pros and cons of each one. At first you'd think being separated by death is the worst but sometimes it's the least painful, simply because you know it wasn't really your fault. You lost someone you love because of something beyond your control. Although the tough part is that the loss is permanent and there is no way to fix things again. On the other hand, you'd think being separated by misunderstanding is the easiest because by the time you part ways, you already hate each other's guts! But when you think of it, this kind of separation brings so much regrets because it was a loss you could have done something about... and didn't. 

STORY: Bad Andy

I have been very bad. And I have been doing bad things intentionally. I am quite amazed at how fun and difficult it is to be bad... since, you know, I've been "technically" good my entire life. Everything is so complicated but excitingly new!

I have never done anything illegal (and I use this term to refer to both those according to law and according to my parents, school, society, etc) so I never knew how it felt to be a "criminal." But last night, I was laughing at how wrong everything I was doing was. I was giggling! Yes, giggling with matching twinkly eyes. I kept saying out loud how no one would ever believe that I was doing what I was doing because it was so out of character! And I just couldn't stop laughing! Imagine, a regular person would have been shaking and sweating and just panicking but I was laughing like crazy and wasn't thinking of tomorrow or the next hour, even! I was so pumped up! All the adrenaline was rushing through my veins and I felt like I was the new poster girl for Cobra Starship's "Good Girls Gone Bad" song. 

But honestly, what I did wasn't technically the most bad ass thing I could've done. Actually, I think most people will actually laugh at me for thinking I was so bad for what I did. But whatever, by my standards, I was already shaking hands with the devil and I was laughing as I did!

On normal days, I would be so scared of myself right now... but it appears I am not normal today. Actually, what's starting to scare me now is that this may be my new normal! Because if I did it once, I can definitely do it again... actually I want to do it again! And you know what happens if you keep doing things... it loses it's spark and you try to escalate things. And who knows... soon enough people won't be laughing at my idea of bad anymore.

Oh my, I think I'm going back to goody Andy again. So I'll just stop now and savor this bad girl thing I've got going... albeit internally. 

THEORY: The Road to Perfection

Finally, some blog time! I think I could've posted 10 blogs already with all the thoughts I've been playing with over the past days but anyway, I won't waste any more time talking about that. On to the post!

These past weeks, I have been dealing with a lot of stress. For the most part of it, I kept saying my job was just too hard and I am not as capable as I thought I was to handle all of the responsibilities that came with the position. But now that I've detached myself from the stress by finally getting my to do list done (well, at least down to a reasonable amount of to-do's), I can actually see what the real source of stress was - me!

I've never called myself a perfectionist but I think I finally understand why people call me such. I like to get things done and not just done, but done the best way possible. And that's not the worst part actually. I am not just a perfectionist based on results, I am a perfectionist even with how I get those results. I hate mistakes. I hate it! Whenever I take two or three tries to get to my goal, I just want to flip the table and give up. But of course, I never do give up because I have this stupid fixation on proving I can do everything! See! Isn't this internal tug of war between giving up and not wanting to give up sounding so stressful already? I know there is something terribly wrong with this mindset but I can't help it! Every time I make a mistake, I get frustrated and stressed. My self esteem suddenly drops and I feel I am born to fail. 

STORY: Run Through

I have so many things I want to write about but I just never seem to have the time or energy to blog about it! So, for the meantime, I'm going to list the stuff here and maybe I can write a decent post on each soon.

  • My first drive alone
  • My no sleep week
  • My first road trip
  • Are-we-growing-apart drama
  • I have to stop eating
As I read through the list, my life is looking like a tacky tween novel series, with each item sounding like a title of a book! HAHA. Anyhoo... 

STORY: Never More Alone

Ironically, I've never felt more alonethan in this moment when I have more than enough people in my life who could (and I hope would) make me feel I belong.

There are so many things going on right now that make me want to just put my hands up in the air and give up. I want to stop trying already. I want to stop trying to fit in, to be liked, and most importaintly, to fool myself that the problem isn't me.

I have no one to talk to. I have filtered people too much or have pushed too many away to trust anyone with my feelings right now. I always believed that I am independent and I don't need to have someone always by my side to talk to or to help me out. But I guess I'm not as independent as I am arrogant. I just don't want to admit that I can't do things on my own. But now that I have admitted to myself that I can't be alone, and that having to always talk to myself sucks, I realize that I am not as independent and strong as I wished. I know needing people is not weakness, but it feels like it to me. And it scares me and makes me feel so depressed that I have to accept that this is the case. I am weak and I need people... people I do not have. 

THEORY: Random Rage

WAAAAH. This is a rage post so if you don't want any bad vibes, leave now.

There are just so many things I want to change. And it's not simple things like the channel or volume or thermostat, it's people's thinking. I'm going to sound like a control freak or a dictator or self righteous but I just have to get these frustrations out or I'll explode!

I'll just list down the thoughts randomly because I'm too frustrated to list it by importance.

  1. You do not need to check what is inside the pants of person to know if that person can and should wash the dishes, do the laundry or clean the house. Why, do you use your "private area" to scrub the clothes or sweep the floor? Unless you do, then don't the hell tell me to wash the dishes because I'm a girl and you can't because you are a boy. And if you still dare tell me to do that, I'll let you use your "thing" to hammer that nail because only men do that. Prove it, mister.
  2. Going abroad is not the BEST way to a better life. But before I begin, what is "better life" anyway? If it is directly proportionate to the amount of money in your bank account, then maybe, just maybe, going abroad is your ticket to this "better" life. But if you are like me who factors in family, friends, self-actualization, then going abroad definitely won't guarantee you anything. And as much as I understand why people cling to being OFWs, I hope people won't get mad at those who would choose not to be one. I am not against those who choose to be OFWs, I am against people pressuring the poor to leave their loved ones when they do not want to. So many times have I heard people lecture the poor on how they have no heart for not going abroad and making a living for their families. How they are stupid and unhelpful and selfish for not leaving. People who choose to stay and sacrifice working just as hard, if not harder than those abroad, but with far less pay than those in other countries are as much heroes as OFWs. This is getting really long and I'm too frustrated to try to be patient in explaining this. Bahala na if you understood the point or not.
  3. Bad drivers do not equate to women drivers. Bad drivers are bad drivers. I swear, I want to run over the next person who equates bad driving skills with the driver's gender. There are more stupid male drivers (hello, jeepney drivers?) but I don't hear people say, "Ang panget magmaneho, lalaki siguro" because it sounds stupid. Well, saying the same thing about women drivers is just, if not more, stupid.
  4. Do not tell people what will make them happy. I blogged most of it here, so just scroll over there. 
  5. There is a lot more... let me get back to this list after I'm done watching TV.

THEORY: Struggles of an Introvert in an Extrovert-friendly World

I'm the type who reads comments on posts and clicks links when there are links to be clicked. Yesterday, I saw a post on FB that led me to 9gag that led me to Ted.com. And now I'm here on my blog talking about what those clicking has done to me. Here we go... 


As a child I always knew who I was, well what kind of person I was (I'm still figuring out who I am actually, so I'll blog about that once I'm done with that journey, okay?). I didn't know back then that there was a name for people like me but I already sensed that I was a certain "type" of person. Come college and a bunch of psychological tests later, I finally knew what to call myself. I am an introvert

STORY: Don't You Dare Rain On My Parade

Don't rain on my parade.



Things are going well for me. I know I might have just jinxed it by calling it out but maybe life isn't so smart and it needs a big flashing neon sign to tell her that I don't want her to mess with me right now. Then again, she might get pissed at how rude I'm being so let me start over.

Life, don't rain on my parade, pretty please? Thank you.

Love,
Andy

THEORY: TV Love

I love TV. I love watching my favorite shows back to back to back (well, whenever I get the chance). I always hear people talk about how TV is a waste of time and how it dumbs people down, but as usual, I beg to differ.

I think TV makes you think (if you watch the right shows... actually no, even dumb shows make you think! Otherwise, you wouldn't have figured it was a dumb show if you weren't thinking at all!) and it enriches your life to some extent. People would always talk about how we spend hours in front of a box with lights when we can go out and explore the world, have adventures, be with friends and just do stuff. But, are they really hearing what they say? I want to experience the world as much as everybody else, but the places I can go to at the moment are the places I have been to a hundred times before - the mall, the parks, the city! I know there are so much more things to experience and so many places to go to and I plan on doing and going to all those things but I can't do that every weekend, can I? But with TV, for a moment, for half an hour I sort of can. As I watch my favorite TV shows, I manage to travel to New York, to Ohio, to some far off place I can only imagine and I am taken there through the eyes of a character I have grown to love. Even if I have never met any of these people, I have connected with them (their characters, I mean). I root for them, I try to understand them, I analyze the questions they throw at me and I find myself amazed at how many angles you can view life. They may be living a different life from mine, waking up to different time zones and driving down different streets, but they go through things that aren't so different... love and loss, hopes and disappointments, growing up and tripping along the way, and all the other stuff in between. 

After every episode, be it a comedy or a drama, I always end up filled with emotion and so much wonder about the world. Particularly how amazing it is that there are people out there who are able to come up with such wonderful stories. I can't find a word for it (which I really should work on if I do want to write a show as awesome as the ones I'm watching now) but I can describe it. When an episode is just so amazing, I feel a really big, grand "thing" in the pit of my stomach and it just rises up and leaves me speechless and at awe. I mean, how could I not see that twist coming? Or how romantic was that gesture? Or how witty and funny was that joke? Every great episode just leaves me amazed! And I am even more amazed at how people can make so many great things in their lifetime and how I am a witness to that greatness and how one day I may be able to do some great things of my own as well. (Woah, lotsa HOWS in that sentence ober der) 

So don't hate on TV. Hate on the audience who just sits there watching and doesn't really see the world that unfolds before them. And how awesome is it that this world now no longer comes to us in a convenient box, but a flat sheet with pretty lights and music to match? 

THEORY: I Wanted A Job

Hay nako, another "idea" is put down and replaced with reality.

I wanted a job that I loved.
I wanted a job that would let me be creative.
I wanted a job that made me experience new things.
I wanted a job that would make me meet people like me (whatever that means).
I wanted a job that allows me to travel.
I wanted a job that wasn't repetitive (each day is just like the last)
I wanted a job that was exciting
I wanted a job that pays okay
I wanted a job that was fit for the course I finished.

I think I have that job...

but all I want now is a job that lets me go home by 7pm.

You really can't have it all. I got it, Lord. I won't try to get it all anymore.
Thanks anyway.

STORY: Near Death Experience

I almost died today. And I say that with all seriousness because it's true. Not a metaphor or hyperbole... literally, I almost died.

I always wondered what dying would feel like. In the movies they always present it so dramatically. The person dying will have a very quick flashback played before her eyes and then she gets to say her last few words. Then the person is suddenly drowned with a bright light and is lifted away from her human body and is pictured as a new peaceful form. 

But this is not the case. (Check my post on fainting and you'll see how often mistaken assumptions happen with me) It was one of the scariest experiences of my life and I was helpless about it. Let me rewind a bit so you have an idea of what went down.

STORY: We All Know This Isn't About A Phone

In a few posts back, I said I was going to post a cheesy entry on Valentine's day. But I guess the wind changes direction very quickly. Before I could even finish composing the thoughts in my head, I get hit unexpectedly and all those thoughts are now questioned. I guess when I prayed for excitement, I should have been more specific.

So now, I will abruptly change the discussion to my Blackberry 9360. You know, 'cause I want to.

When I first got my BB last year, I was hesitant to use it. It looked complex and just too different from the simple phones I've tried. But it was already there, in my hands all shiny and cool, so I decided to give it a try. And just after a few weeks, I couldn't have loved a phone more. It was perfect. Well, for me at least. It had all the things I needed in my life in a form and interface I was comfortable with. The QWERTY keyboard took some getting used to but now, I can't handle a phone that hasn't got one. I was in love with BBM and the ability to send images, videos and files anytime, anywhere for just P99 a month. Also, I get the amazing and securing feeling of knowing that my message was delivered and read. In a span of less than a year, my BB has changed a lot about me, my preferences and my lifestyle (it sounds quite exaggerated but a phone can do that to you, just examine how your habits change when you change your phone). It's like I can't live with any other phone!

THEORY: Like The First Time... Again

I thought after the first heartbreak, everything that follows wouldn't hurt as much... but that is a very, very stupid lie. It stings differently, but the pain is just as intense. I still can't breathe and I can't still help my uglycry face from making an appearance.

I swear to God, it's the moment right before you go to sleep, when everything is dark and the world has fallen silent that you truly feel how alone you are. It's like every bad feeling you managed to hide during the day comes out to play. And the night stretches to forever or until you fall asleep from all the crying.

Lord, give me strength... if not to fight the pain, then at least the tears. 

STORY: Please Leave

I hate you so much right now.

You've found your spot deep inside me that even when you are not around me, you still are. That I can't find myself enjoying other people's company because I'm constantly thinking of what you may think. That I can't focus on the moment I'm in because I'm too busy thinking of what you would've done if you were right there beside me. That I couldn't even eat my favorite food with gusto because I keep imagining how I would have finished a plate for four with you (and in 10 minutes tops).

But I need to ask you to leave now. Your stay in that spot inside me is now over. You need to find another place to breed in because honestly, I don't want you there anymore. You used to make me grow and flourish, now it just feels you are sucking what nutrients are left of me.

It will be hard to watch you leave, so I guess I'll just have to close my eyes. But please gather all your belongings, lock the door and leave the keys behind.

It will take some getting used to having a vacant spot inside me, but all habits are. In time I can enjoy other people's company, savor exciting moments and maybe finish that plate of yummy roasted pork asado... but that time is still far away, so all I can do right now is work on not hating you for making me love so much.

But even that is hard. I just really, really hate you so much right now.

THEORY: Starting From Scratch

I am noticing a pattern here. The first quarter of the year is always the most eventful time in my life... and that isn't always a good thing. Most times, it's terrible events that happen and these events set an equally terrible tone for the rest of my year. Wow, how amazing is my life, right? Woooooooh. Not.

But no, I will not let these "events" ruin my year... AGAIN (2012 has got to be the worst start-of-the-year year to date, I don't plan on beating that record). So this time, I will take these unfortunate events as eye refreshers. You know how when you cry because you're hurt, you are also able to "cleanse" your sight/outlook? So in a way your tears wash away your negativity? Something like that. Eye refreshers.

Actually, maybe this is God's way of grounding me. Since at the end of the year I always feel like I am at the top of the world, God just wants to make sure I don't float away. Maybe He likes to remind me at the beginning of the year that it really is a new beginning, meaning I have to start from scratch. That I don't get to bring the triumphs and safety of last year with me. That I have to rebuild everything, even my armor, as I go through another year. That way, I will end each year feeling more amazed at how I outdid myself. So maybe this is God's plan... or maybe it's just me trying to console myself. Or maybe it's God's plan that I console myself. 

I don't know. I'm starting from scratch here. So yeah, maybe.

THEORY: Never Ever (And no, this is not about Taylor Swift)

As a kid, I remember hating grown ups for being grown ups. I would always ask why they had to set rules and question everything. I mean, in my little head, as I stomped my way up the stairs after being scolded for some rule I broke, I would say to myself, "Can't things just be about fun?"

Fast forward to now, I have unconsciously become the person I used to draw Xs on at the back of my writing notebook and the person I swear I will never, ever talk to ever again (Just in case you haven't caught on, I'm talking about the various grown ups in my life back then - mom, dad, grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc). Oh, and yes, I used that much evers, even more back then (like Taylor Swift's song actually)

I have questioned everything (Why are you there? Why should you do this?). I have set rules for everything (You should do this before you can do that. And no, you can't wear that with whatever that is). And I even shrug at the idea of things just being for fun (well, except for things that are supposed to be fun, like watching cartoons. Those things are constant. Thank God)

Oh Lord, what do I do myself? I don't think grumbling to myself about myself is very healthy... like never ever.


STORY: His Plan

Countless times has the Lord given me the answers to questions I thought no one could ever answer... and most times it is when I almost give up on ever finding my way. Amazing.

Last Sunday, when I attended mass at Greenbelt, the priest started his homily with the "Why me?" syndrome of people. When we are chosen for something amazing, or when we are complimented for something good we've done, we usually respond with, "Why me? I wasn't that good, or smart, or talented." We always answer praises by doubting ourselves and the person who gave us recognition (as opposed to how the fishermen responded to Jesus' call to service). In short, false humility. On the flip side, we also have the "Why not me?" syndrome. When someone else is given recognition, we respond with questioning the authority of the chooser. We think to ourselves, "I'm better than her, I'm prettier and smarter and more talented!" It is like we know the right answers, that we are better than the people who makes the decisions. In short, we are mayabang.

THEORY: Relative Age

I like to think of age like gender. I mean, gender has a whole lot of interpretations compared to your biological sex... you can't just be a male or female. You are either a girl, a boy, gay, bisexual, lesbian, etc. And as the years go by, more and more versions and combinations of these come out. You can never be sure what a person really is until you ask him/her or get to know him/her. And I am not saying that is a bad thing, actually, I love it! I love how much progress society is taking towards accepting people as they are, giving each other the freedom to express themselves without any pretensions. 

So back to age. When you talk about age in a biological sense, I am 21. There is no arguing about that, just check my birth certificate. It's the same way I can't argue about being born female. But age isn't that easy to define, just the way you can't really be sure I'm a girl (well, unless I tell you... so, I'm a girl. There, I told you). There are days I feel older, there are days I feel younger, actually, my age depends on where I am and who I'm with. And I bet that's how it works for everyone, too!

STORY: Throwing Away Gold

I am very pissed at the number of times I fail to blog.

Sorry, I skipped my usual beating-around-the-bush blog intro... but I just had to get it out there before the thought goes away again! These past few days, I have been having eureka moments and at that instant, I tell myself, "I'm going to blog about this. This is gold!" (Hehe, it is my head so I am free to believe my thoughts are gold) but I never do! So, as much as I want to blog it when I have time, I have already completely forgotten about it! Imagine all those thoughts that could have saved humanity (okay, OA na ko)

Anyway, I have been bouncing thoughts on love and hurt and dealing with it (basically every cliche topic a girl in her 20s would talk about) and I swear to blog about it come Valentine's Day. Well, that's the only day of the year I can get away with such cheesy topics (and well, when I'm extremely in love or heartbroken when I just choose not to care) so I hope I get to do that. Actually, no, I HAVE TO DO THAT. I'm wasting gold here! :P 

STORY: Missing

I miss drawing (and the doodles I do every single meeting don't count). I miss painting. I miss coloring. I miss my arts and crafts. I miss cutting, pasting, cutting and pasting again. I miss vector-ing (if that is even a word). I miss creating posters and AVPs. I miss writing (and I mean writing other than my blog and emails). I miss presenting my work in front of an audience (even if my heart beats extra fast and I want to dash away from the room each time I put my work up for public scrutiny). I miss passion projects. 

Actually, I just miss passion. Period.

STORY: BlogPunch

There is this Queen B in the ____ that makes me want to pull all my hair out. I won't mention where I associate with her because it would be too obvious... but I just need to let this out! I can't tell anyone about it without looking like a B myself, so I'll just blog about it. You won't judge me, right?

I am trying to be the nicest I can be (and I know I'm not really a nice person but still, I'm trying) and she just manages to push me to my limits! I have a hard time being soft spoken and polite with people I like, imagine the pain of having to be nice to her! I have to bite my tongue every time she gives off a snarky remark and that ain't an easy feat! Well, for me. I can shut that girl up with some powerful B-ness right back, but I am the bigger woman (figuratively, because she's bigger than I am) and I won't go there (Oh dear Lord, please don't let me go there!) But I don't know how long I can hold all this in!

She talks to me like I'm dumb, she disregards what I have to say, she always has to ask someone else when I answer her questions, she looks away and makes me excluded from discussion... in short, she treats me like I'm invisible! I want to punch her so bad but I'm not the violent type, so I'll just blogpunch her. 

Lord, I hope I pass this test of patience!



STORY: I'm Sad

This is just a random post because I'm feeling extra emotional today.

I'm sad that I don't get to blog as much. Actually, I'm sad because I don't get to do anything else as much! My work life has stabilized over the past few months and I have been clocking in at 9am and clocking out (usually) at 9pm. On good days, when I get lucky, I get out by 7:30 or 8pm, but most times I say goodbye to the office at 9pm, close to 10pm... every night! 

I'd like to say I'm not complaining but after 3 months of this, I'm really starting to miss my life. I miss seeing my family and having dinner with them. I miss being able to lye in bed and watch some TV before having to eat dinner and clean up and get ready for bed. I miss being able to pass by the mall after work to buy some stuff I might need (or not need! Hihi) and maybe even catch a movie or eat dinner out. Most of all, I just miss resting. I miss doing nothing. Just having an hour in excess, an hour to do whatever I want, is something I truly miss!

And the sadness doesn't stop with the weekdays. Since the entire week leaves me with no time to do anything but work and the necessities (eat, bathe, sleep), my weekends are full with all the other tasks I have to put off! During the weekends, I am usually torn between helping out at home (since I do no chores anymore, besides wash my own dishes at night. I don't even get to help my sisters with their homework anymore :( ) and getting some much needed relaxation. So as I try to do a little of both, I find myself without time (again) and without rest. And before I know it, it's Monday once again. 

It's just sad. I'm sad. I'm very sad. 

I know the story of the song has nothing to do with my story but listening to the song makes me feel like someone sympathizes with my state of sadness.

Right now, I'm not even praying to get back the 6pm time out I used to have, even just a 730pm to 8pm would be nice. Oh Lord, I hope you're listening (I know you are) and I hope you answer my prayer with a yes. 

STORY: Just when you think you know, you don't

I woke up extra early today.

During the first six or so months of work, I would get up at 6:30-7:00 am every day and get to work earlier than the 9am time in. But as the months passed by and I began to stay later and later than the 6pm time out, I found myself waking up later and getting to work later. But don't get me wrong, I still get to work before 10 (and that is still early by agency definition) but I thought why not bring back the old habit? That way I won't have to be rushing like crazy, grabbing whatever is on the table for breakfast (if there is something to grab! Most days, I just eat whatever Ministop has to offer) and running out the door.

Today, I did that. And it was nice. Very nice, actually. I was relaxed during my one hour morning routine (and yes, even when I'm running late, I still take an hour to get ready. It's like I programmed my body to get ready in an hour!) and I even had time to enjoy my bread.

I was also extra emotional this morning (blame it on the hormones!) I always put my iPod on my dock and blast music while I get ready. Today, I found myself laughing, dancing and even crying to most of the songs. I took that as a good thing. I was expressive and it felt liberating. I was loving the day so much, I even prayed (although I always pray in the morning) just to say how grateful I was for being alive today. I told myself it was going to be a good day. I knew it was going to be a good day.

Or so I thought.

When I got in the car, an unfortunate incident happened. An incident I won't detail but is already very much hinted in a lot of my previous blog posts. The incident brought to surface a lot of forgotten events... and a lot of buried feelings. I didn't think straight, I admit. I just reacted how anyone would react (I think)... I got down the car and commuted the rest of the way to work.

I knew things have took a turn for the worst. I knew it was going to be a bad day.

Or so I thought again.

On the way to work, I decided to go down a stop earlier than my usual drop off. I thought, "Why not take my time and take a stroll in the park? I'm extra early anyway." And that was what I did. I took a stroll in the park! And the weather was just perfect! The sun was up and was just the nice kind of warm and the wind was gentle enough to cool me without ruining my perfectly blow dried hair. I plugged in my earphones and blasted some music and the day took another 180 degree turn... this time for the better.



I'd like to say I know it's going to be a good day but I'm afraid life will just show off and prove me wrong again... so I won't say anything. Actually, no, I will say something I am sure of... "Just when you think you know something, you realize you don't"

I'd like to blog about how the same is true with people, how just when you think you know someone they show you that you are wrong, but that is a whole other blog post and I better get to my emails already! So, bye! Hope you have a great day!