STORY: Near Death Experience

I almost died today. And I say that with all seriousness because it's true. Not a metaphor or hyperbole... literally, I almost died.

I always wondered what dying would feel like. In the movies they always present it so dramatically. The person dying will have a very quick flashback played before her eyes and then she gets to say her last few words. Then the person is suddenly drowned with a bright light and is lifted away from her human body and is pictured as a new peaceful form. 

But this is not the case. (Check my post on fainting and you'll see how often mistaken assumptions happen with me) It was one of the scariest experiences of my life and I was helpless about it. Let me rewind a bit so you have an idea of what went down.

STORY: We All Know This Isn't About A Phone

In a few posts back, I said I was going to post a cheesy entry on Valentine's day. But I guess the wind changes direction very quickly. Before I could even finish composing the thoughts in my head, I get hit unexpectedly and all those thoughts are now questioned. I guess when I prayed for excitement, I should have been more specific.

So now, I will abruptly change the discussion to my Blackberry 9360. You know, 'cause I want to.

When I first got my BB last year, I was hesitant to use it. It looked complex and just too different from the simple phones I've tried. But it was already there, in my hands all shiny and cool, so I decided to give it a try. And just after a few weeks, I couldn't have loved a phone more. It was perfect. Well, for me at least. It had all the things I needed in my life in a form and interface I was comfortable with. The QWERTY keyboard took some getting used to but now, I can't handle a phone that hasn't got one. I was in love with BBM and the ability to send images, videos and files anytime, anywhere for just P99 a month. Also, I get the amazing and securing feeling of knowing that my message was delivered and read. In a span of less than a year, my BB has changed a lot about me, my preferences and my lifestyle (it sounds quite exaggerated but a phone can do that to you, just examine how your habits change when you change your phone). It's like I can't live with any other phone!

THEORY: Like The First Time... Again

I thought after the first heartbreak, everything that follows wouldn't hurt as much... but that is a very, very stupid lie. It stings differently, but the pain is just as intense. I still can't breathe and I can't still help my uglycry face from making an appearance.

I swear to God, it's the moment right before you go to sleep, when everything is dark and the world has fallen silent that you truly feel how alone you are. It's like every bad feeling you managed to hide during the day comes out to play. And the night stretches to forever or until you fall asleep from all the crying.

Lord, give me strength... if not to fight the pain, then at least the tears. 

STORY: Please Leave

I hate you so much right now.

You've found your spot deep inside me that even when you are not around me, you still are. That I can't find myself enjoying other people's company because I'm constantly thinking of what you may think. That I can't focus on the moment I'm in because I'm too busy thinking of what you would've done if you were right there beside me. That I couldn't even eat my favorite food with gusto because I keep imagining how I would have finished a plate for four with you (and in 10 minutes tops).

But I need to ask you to leave now. Your stay in that spot inside me is now over. You need to find another place to breed in because honestly, I don't want you there anymore. You used to make me grow and flourish, now it just feels you are sucking what nutrients are left of me.

It will be hard to watch you leave, so I guess I'll just have to close my eyes. But please gather all your belongings, lock the door and leave the keys behind.

It will take some getting used to having a vacant spot inside me, but all habits are. In time I can enjoy other people's company, savor exciting moments and maybe finish that plate of yummy roasted pork asado... but that time is still far away, so all I can do right now is work on not hating you for making me love so much.

But even that is hard. I just really, really hate you so much right now.

THEORY: Starting From Scratch

I am noticing a pattern here. The first quarter of the year is always the most eventful time in my life... and that isn't always a good thing. Most times, it's terrible events that happen and these events set an equally terrible tone for the rest of my year. Wow, how amazing is my life, right? Woooooooh. Not.

But no, I will not let these "events" ruin my year... AGAIN (2012 has got to be the worst start-of-the-year year to date, I don't plan on beating that record). So this time, I will take these unfortunate events as eye refreshers. You know how when you cry because you're hurt, you are also able to "cleanse" your sight/outlook? So in a way your tears wash away your negativity? Something like that. Eye refreshers.

Actually, maybe this is God's way of grounding me. Since at the end of the year I always feel like I am at the top of the world, God just wants to make sure I don't float away. Maybe He likes to remind me at the beginning of the year that it really is a new beginning, meaning I have to start from scratch. That I don't get to bring the triumphs and safety of last year with me. That I have to rebuild everything, even my armor, as I go through another year. That way, I will end each year feeling more amazed at how I outdid myself. So maybe this is God's plan... or maybe it's just me trying to console myself. Or maybe it's God's plan that I console myself. 

I don't know. I'm starting from scratch here. So yeah, maybe.

THEORY: Never Ever (And no, this is not about Taylor Swift)

As a kid, I remember hating grown ups for being grown ups. I would always ask why they had to set rules and question everything. I mean, in my little head, as I stomped my way up the stairs after being scolded for some rule I broke, I would say to myself, "Can't things just be about fun?"

Fast forward to now, I have unconsciously become the person I used to draw Xs on at the back of my writing notebook and the person I swear I will never, ever talk to ever again (Just in case you haven't caught on, I'm talking about the various grown ups in my life back then - mom, dad, grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc). Oh, and yes, I used that much evers, even more back then (like Taylor Swift's song actually)

I have questioned everything (Why are you there? Why should you do this?). I have set rules for everything (You should do this before you can do that. And no, you can't wear that with whatever that is). And I even shrug at the idea of things just being for fun (well, except for things that are supposed to be fun, like watching cartoons. Those things are constant. Thank God)

Oh Lord, what do I do myself? I don't think grumbling to myself about myself is very healthy... like never ever.

STORY: His Plan

Countless times has the Lord given me the answers to questions I thought no one could ever answer... and most times it is when I almost give up on ever finding my way. Amazing.

Last Sunday, when I attended mass at Greenbelt, the priest started his homily with the "Why me?" syndrome of people. When we are chosen for something amazing, or when we are complimented for something good we've done, we usually respond with, "Why me? I wasn't that good, or smart, or talented." We always answer praises by doubting ourselves and the person who gave us recognition (as opposed to how the fishermen responded to Jesus' call to service). In short, false humility. On the flip side, we also have the "Why not me?" syndrome. When someone else is given recognition, we respond with questioning the authority of the chooser. We think to ourselves, "I'm better than her, I'm prettier and smarter and more talented!" It is like we know the right answers, that we are better than the people who makes the decisions. In short, we are mayabang.

THEORY: Relative Age

I like to think of age like gender. I mean, gender has a whole lot of interpretations compared to your biological sex... you can't just be a male or female. You are either a girl, a boy, gay, bisexual, lesbian, etc. And as the years go by, more and more versions and combinations of these come out. You can never be sure what a person really is until you ask him/her or get to know him/her. And I am not saying that is a bad thing, actually, I love it! I love how much progress society is taking towards accepting people as they are, giving each other the freedom to express themselves without any pretensions. 

So back to age. When you talk about age in a biological sense, I am 21. There is no arguing about that, just check my birth certificate. It's the same way I can't argue about being born female. But age isn't that easy to define, just the way you can't really be sure I'm a girl (well, unless I tell you... so, I'm a girl. There, I told you). There are days I feel older, there are days I feel younger, actually, my age depends on where I am and who I'm with. And I bet that's how it works for everyone, too!

STORY: Throwing Away Gold

I am very pissed at the number of times I fail to blog.

Sorry, I skipped my usual beating-around-the-bush blog intro... but I just had to get it out there before the thought goes away again! These past few days, I have been having eureka moments and at that instant, I tell myself, "I'm going to blog about this. This is gold!" (Hehe, it is my head so I am free to believe my thoughts are gold) but I never do! So, as much as I want to blog it when I have time, I have already completely forgotten about it! Imagine all those thoughts that could have saved humanity (okay, OA na ko)

Anyway, I have been bouncing thoughts on love and hurt and dealing with it (basically every cliche topic a girl in her 20s would talk about) and I swear to blog about it come Valentine's Day. Well, that's the only day of the year I can get away with such cheesy topics (and well, when I'm extremely in love or heartbroken when I just choose not to care) so I hope I get to do that. Actually, no, I HAVE TO DO THAT. I'm wasting gold here! :P 

STORY: Missing

I miss drawing (and the doodles I do every single meeting don't count). I miss painting. I miss coloring. I miss my arts and crafts. I miss cutting, pasting, cutting and pasting again. I miss vector-ing (if that is even a word). I miss creating posters and AVPs. I miss writing (and I mean writing other than my blog and emails). I miss presenting my work in front of an audience (even if my heart beats extra fast and I want to dash away from the room each time I put my work up for public scrutiny). I miss passion projects. 

Actually, I just miss passion. Period.

STORY: BlogPunch

There is this Queen B in the ____ that makes me want to pull all my hair out. I won't mention where I associate with her because it would be too obvious... but I just need to let this out! I can't tell anyone about it without looking like a B myself, so I'll just blog about it. You won't judge me, right?

I am trying to be the nicest I can be (and I know I'm not really a nice person but still, I'm trying) and she just manages to push me to my limits! I have a hard time being soft spoken and polite with people I like, imagine the pain of having to be nice to her! I have to bite my tongue every time she gives off a snarky remark and that ain't an easy feat! Well, for me. I can shut that girl up with some powerful B-ness right back, but I am the bigger woman (figuratively, because she's bigger than I am) and I won't go there (Oh dear Lord, please don't let me go there!) But I don't know how long I can hold all this in!

She talks to me like I'm dumb, she disregards what I have to say, she always has to ask someone else when I answer her questions, she looks away and makes me excluded from discussion... in short, she treats me like I'm invisible! I want to punch her so bad but I'm not the violent type, so I'll just blogpunch her. 

Lord, I hope I pass this test of patience!