STORY: Never More Alone

Ironically, I've never felt more alonethan in this moment when I have more than enough people in my life who could (and I hope would) make me feel I belong.

There are so many things going on right now that make me want to just put my hands up in the air and give up. I want to stop trying already. I want to stop trying to fit in, to be liked, and most importaintly, to fool myself that the problem isn't me.

I have no one to talk to. I have filtered people too much or have pushed too many away to trust anyone with my feelings right now. I always believed that I am independent and I don't need to have someone always by my side to talk to or to help me out. But I guess I'm not as independent as I am arrogant. I just don't want to admit that I can't do things on my own. But now that I have admitted to myself that I can't be alone, and that having to always talk to myself sucks, I realize that I am not as independent and strong as I wished. I know needing people is not weakness, but it feels like it to me. And it scares me and makes me feel so depressed that I have to accept that this is the case. I am weak and I need people... people I do not have. 

But having no one to talk to isn't really my problem. It just amplifies the sadness I feel because I have to confide to and console myself. 

I have never been compared to someone else. I have always been the person people are compared against. I am not saying that arrogantly. I have never bragged about how my younger siblings or some of my schoolmates, at some point, we compared to me. I actually never felt how the comparisons made against me had any impact on others. I just never knew the feeling of living up to someone else... until today. And it frustrates me to hell! No matter how much I try to live up to expectations, I can't be better or even as good as another person is as being hersel. That person will always be the expert at that! So really this is just a feat I am bound to fail each time. All these years, my siblings had to live with this endless feeling of pressure and not to mention irrational and undeserved disappointment, so I can finally understand where they are coming from.

I am frustrated when I don't get things right. Of course, I've learned I can't get things right the first try or the second but not getting any better at something frustrates so much (and knowing I can never get better because it is impossible! SEE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH, please!) I am so depressed right now I can't even continue to explain! The worst part is I just continue to lose will to get better and to try one more time. There is only so much (actually so little) times I can rise up from failure. I'm learning that I am not as determined or as brilliant as I hoped to be... so just imagine how sucky that feels. 

I can't get people to like me. I know I said earlier that I want to be alone but I never said I wanted not to be liked. I never wanted to need people but I've always wanted to be liked. And it appears I never get what I want. First I can't not need people, now people can't like me! That's two for two! People have never said they disliked me to my face (and hopefully not behind) but I can feel it. They don't treat me as warmly as others and I don't feel welcome at all. At first I thought maybe in time things would change but with the way things are, I don't think things will. The world has moved on without me while I stupidly waited for it to bring me along. Now this feeling is suckier.

And the cherry on top of this all? I call my mom to find out the house is empty (the entire family is out of town) and there is no dinner for me to go home to. So I end up eating alone in the mall, traveling home on my own, and welcomed home by a dimly lit living room. Don't get me wrong, on a regular day I would have loved having the house on my own (blasting music from my ipod while I lay down wherever I want without worry of messing anything up?) but I'm just depressed tonight so some human warmth would've lessened the pain. But no. 

Guess that's it. Good night. Here's hoping the world won't be so cruel tomorrow. 

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