THEORY: The Road to Perfection

Finally, some blog time! I think I could've posted 10 blogs already with all the thoughts I've been playing with over the past days but anyway, I won't waste any more time talking about that. On to the post!

These past weeks, I have been dealing with a lot of stress. For the most part of it, I kept saying my job was just too hard and I am not as capable as I thought I was to handle all of the responsibilities that came with the position. But now that I've detached myself from the stress by finally getting my to do list done (well, at least down to a reasonable amount of to-do's), I can actually see what the real source of stress was - me!

I've never called myself a perfectionist but I think I finally understand why people call me such. I like to get things done and not just done, but done the best way possible. And that's not the worst part actually. I am not just a perfectionist based on results, I am a perfectionist even with how I get those results. I hate mistakes. I hate it! Whenever I take two or three tries to get to my goal, I just want to flip the table and give up. But of course, I never do give up because I have this stupid fixation on proving I can do everything! See! Isn't this internal tug of war between giving up and not wanting to give up sounding so stressful already? I know there is something terribly wrong with this mindset but I can't help it! Every time I make a mistake, I get frustrated and stressed. My self esteem suddenly drops and I feel I am born to fail. 

What adds to my frustration is that I know that this path I'm taking is bound to disappoint. There is no perfection out there yet I still blindly search for it. Sometimes I stumble on gold dust, and it gives me hope that maybe there is gold buried somewhere, but most times I just stumble... and I get bruised, cut and wounded with the rocks, mud and soil of reality. I don't understand why I don't just change paths. Why am I so stubborn? Why am I wired this way? Gaaaah. The farther in I am in my journey, the weaker my emotional stability becomes but my determination just becomes stronger. I think I just want to get myself killed. Maybe that's it. I'm unconsciously suicidal. Help me!

I still don't think I'm a perfectionist because in my head, being a perfectionist is a positive trait. I don't think this trait I have is positive. But then again, maybe that's what perfectionists like people to believe, that they are perfect and that they are happy with their lives but in reality they are miserable and depressed. Maybe that's it! If that's the case, then maybe I am a perfectionist. So as a perfectionist, I say it's a blessing and a curse... a curse more often. Sure sometimes I catch some stars while I reach for the moon but not all the time. Most times I just end up crying over something that keeps running away with the horizon. And the cruel part is, since I'm so distracted about getting the moon, I never actually enjoy the twinkling stars and the majestic moonlight against the beautiful night sky. 

My journey to perfection has made me lose sight of happiness... and I can't do anything about it... AND THAT'S WHY I'M STRESSED.

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