STORY: Love in Letting Go

It's true that you only appreciate things once you've lost them. Actually, no. I think it's unfair to assume that everything goes by unappreciated when it has never been lost. Let me correct myself, you appreciate things MORE once you've lost them.

I learned this the hard way. For so many years, I have always got back what I threw away. Perhaps that's why I took things, in this case person, for granted. I was so sure that I will always have this person so I throw words about separation and never seeing each other again like it was so easy. And during those times, I really though it was easy. In my head, I would think that I could be on my own, that I can forget this person so easily and all the things that came with him. But before I could even realize or experience how difficult it is to lose this person, the next day, the next hour even, he would go to me and ask me back. Don't get me wrong, I never did this intentionally just to bask in the glory of being wanted. I just never understood what it felt like to have something so valuable taken away from me. Before I even felt the pain of loss, I had already regain what I lost.

The past few weeks, I went through so many feelings that I had only always had a preview of. It was a very scary experience for me. For the first time, the person I let go didn't come back to me. It was such a strange situation that I didn't know how to deal with. Do I just keep waiting? Do I accept that this may be the end? Do I go to that person and ask him back? So many questions in my head and so many plans, but I was so paralyzed by the feeling of loss I ended up doing nothing. 

I felt like I was in the movies. I was the pathetic ex girlfriend who would wait on every beep or ring of her phone in the hope that it would be that person. And it may sound that I over reacted over 4 days of complete silence, but believe me when I say it felt like it went on forever. I would tear up so easily and my mood would shift from the extremes so frequently. I honestly thought I was losing my mind. 

I want to fast forward to the ending this time. I have so many posts on all the stuff that goes "Inside My Head" (click that topic on the right sidebar, please) so I don't want to rewrite all my internal arguments. Fast forward to the end, I went out and asked him back. It was a very scary and very humbling but overall amazing learning experience. Before I did it, I thought of so many things that could happen if I went to him. Will he push me away like I did him, will he laugh at me, will he take me back? But I threw those thoughts out the window one night and just drove to him and talked to him and told him all the things that hurt. From that experience, I realized how I have always left him clueless about my problems. I would always be mad about things he wasn't clear about and I didn't give him the chance to even understand the situation before I made extreme conclusions. By letting me be in the dark for a while and letting me reflect on things I've said and done, I understood so many things I never thought of twice before. I am not the only one who gets hurt, I am not the only one who wants to feel wanted, I am not the only one in the relationship. Everything I want for myself, he deserves just as much. And by not coming back to me, by letting me get hurt, by not babying like he has done all these years, he actually helped me and made me realize just how much I love him and want him in my life.

NOTE: This has been a draft post for so long that I will just publish it unfinished. 

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