I wish you knew even half the truth
That it pains me to hurt you
But not as much as it pains me to see
A version of you I never knew
But the biggest pain of all
O the pain in not knowing
Being in the dark with so many questions
Will ourpain still have a chance at healing?
I used to think I was brave. Not the bravest, just brave enough. Apparently though I am just as scared as the next person... maybe even more.
I think it's this growing up thing that's making me more of a coward than the last time. As you grow, you come to realize there are more scary things in the world and not just scary things, painful things! As a kid, your fears and pains range from getting a scolding to a bad scrape on the knee... now your fears are far more complex and far less easy to heal.
One of the many fears that has began to cripple me is my fear of being hurt by the person I least expect to. All these years, I tell myself not to fear hurt and I am proud that I have trained myself not to limit myself because of the potential of hurt. But as time goes on, I am slowly losing to this particular kind of hurt. This hurt that you least expect and the hurt you wish will never have to happen... but unfortunately will.
The ideal me would face thos fear head on just like the many other times I've encountered fear. I take a deep breathe and just dive in, hoping that going through the fear and pain will make me realize it was imply stupid to fear it in the first place. The method has proven itself successful through the years (i.e. public speaking) but I seem to doubt my own tested method for this particular fear. I am simply crippled and I just do my best to avoid it. Because more than the fear itself, of being hurt by someone you love, I fear what happens after. Will I ever get over the fear of not healing if ever I lose this person? I have a feeling I won't.
It's funny how I always thought, as a child, that grown ups were the bravest. But it appears I was the bravest I was ever gonna be when I was 5 years old.
I can't believe how happy I am this weekend. Actually, add the happiness I feel for being this easy to please... it's a trait I'm proud to have and want to keep.
Anyway, Jose and I's 66th month as a couple falls on a Sunday and we unintentionally had one of the best times together (for me, at least) time to celebrate it. And I say that with all sincerity, which I have to flag right now because you might wonder if this is a joke after I tell you what happened.
I went with Jose to Ongpin to pick up an item he's going to deliver to his customer the next day. While there, we randomly thought of eating there as well. While we were eating our very late lunch/early dinner in one of Jose's family's go-to chinese places, my heart was already jumping at the realization that we were in a non-mall setting. God knows how many times I asked Jose to mix things up a bit when we go out because our dates have boiled down to a routine. Imagine, we actually ran out of movies to watch! We've watched all the films out in cinemas with the number of times we went out for movie dates! After we ate, we walked a while and headed for his house. I was extra giddy that, again, we were walking in a non-mall hall.
|Chinese food with my huggable Chinese!|