STORY: Burning Out Fast

I don't think I can handle the pressure any more! I'm going crazy over all these hovering thoughts on whether I am making the right choices or not. I even go as far as imagining how my choices will affect my life 5 years down the road! Quarter life crisis at its finest! 

I am hardworking and determined, even a perfectionist sometimes. I am not bragging, I'm just sure of myself regarding those traits. BUT being hardworking and determined does not mean I  am a workaholic person. I love doing my best but that does not equal loving work. I do not like to look for work. I just make sure I do the best with the work assigned to me. There is a difference and a very big one if I may add. 

I want work-life balance. As much as I want to be the best employee (since I have this thing about being the best I can be at everything), I also want to be the best sister, daughter, girlfriend and friend I can be. Right now, I am pouring all my efforts on the work part... and not by choice. I don't want to come off as whiny or lazy but work just eats up more time than I am willing to allot. I don't want to reject responsibility but I don't know how I can achieve "balance" without doing so. I repeat, I'm not lazy to do the work nor am I not capable of delivering. I just want time and energy and more time.


But for a junior like me, with superiors who are very passionate and hardworking and willing to stay until midnight every single day to get the job done, how do you say you want more time outside work without sounding lazy or incapable or some other terrible adjective to describe a person who wants to escape responsibility? I keep composing the sentences in my head but any way I put it, it just comes off as a negative. I want to come off as someone who is vocal about what she wants in her life, particularly her job, and knows how to achieve this, but I just come off as someone the company would rather do without. 

I've toyed with the idea of just resigning. I don't want to give my bosses half baked jobs because I want to get off at an earlier time to fulfill my other goals in life. Why stay right? My bosses and our clients deserve more than that. Also, even if I do try and stay, I couldn't live with myself knowing I am passing half baked anything. It is so unfortunate that it is impossible to give my bosses and clients the level of work they deserve without sacrificing my other goals. I know I have to make sacrifices for my career, as all fresh graduates do, but I don't see myself living this way, continuing to sacrifice the things I have. During the first few months, I saw these sacrifices as temporary/short term so I give in to them. But after 10 short months, it looks like these sacrifices are for the long haul. 

I've been blabbing about sacrifices for 5 paragraphs already so you might be asking "What the hell are those sacrifices already?" Well, it's going to sound like small sacrifices but if you do them every day, it adds up. Like eating dinner with my family at home on week nights. Or going home to a household that's awake to greet you or at least talk to you. Or getting more than 6 hours of sleep. Or getting to catch any of the good TV shows. Or having time to draw, to talk and catch up with friends. Or to write, to blog, and even just to be with myself. For the past months, I would struggle just get out of the office before 8pm without bringing any more work home or having to go to work at 6am to make up for it so I can do any one of the things I mentioned above. But more often than not, actually ALL THE TIME, I just end up disappointed. I go out so late that I keep the people I have arrangements with waiting. I go out so late all the places I want to go to are closed. I go out so late that I am too tired to do anything but sleep. If I could be numb to hunger I might not even eat to save on time! 

It's a sad cycle and I refuse to keep living in it. Don't get me wrong though. I love my job. It's dynamic, exciting and challenging. It's also what I wanted since college. How many people could say that they actually landed their dream job? Not many, I assume... which is why my problem is so difficult! It would be so much easier to decide if I hated my job or the people around me but I don't hate my job!  Also, the people around me have taught me so much! But it seems I am not ready for my dream job just yet. I'm not ready to give up everything else in my life for it but I'm also very scared of giving it up. What if I let my dream job go and I don't get it back when I'm ready? If I go find another job that lets me be the best daughter, friend, sister and girlfriend, will I still be able to be the best career woman I want myself to be? See my problem? I'm starting another problem already when I'm not even finished with the first!

I've been praying a lot about it but it hasn't lessen the pressure or stress or confusion I've been going through. I don't want to make any rash decisions (hence the thinking and thinking and over thinking) because there may be no turning back... but I don't know how much more I can stall! I'm burning out and I'm burning out fast! Lord, until you enlighten me with answers, I'll just keep blogging okay? But I don't have much time or energy to blog so please speed up the enlightenment? Thank you! 

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

do whatever makes you happy and comfortable!

Anonymous said...

do whatever makes you happy and comfortable!

Anonymous said...

do whatever makes you happy and comfortable!

Anonymous said...

do whatever makes you happy and comfortable!