THEORY: Marathon Retirement

No matter how much I say I am comfortable in my own skin, I always still feel weird and awkward and  well, uncomfortable being the "introvert" that I am. 

I actually hate using the word introvert to describe myself. Not because I am ashamed of it or anything, it's just that I've noticed people using the word to associate themselves as part of some "exclusive" group. It's like everybody just wants to proclaim to the world that they're an introvert waaaaaaay more than I feel is necessary. Maybe they think it makes them sound cooler or mysterious or whatever other adjective that makes them feel good about themselves. Being an introvert doesn't make anyone cooler. If anything, it just makes you a little more, well, awkward and self-conscious and uncomfortable... like I am at this very second. 

I love being who I am. I really do. But like everyone else, there are days I wonder why I do. Sometimes I wish things like small talk and greetings would become so much easier! I hate scrambling my brain for things to say or constantly thinking whether I should nervously shake her hand or give her an awkward "beso."I hate having to think whether the person at the other end of the table thinks I'm a snob for not moving closer or think I'm a weirdo if I suddenly do move closer. I am frustrated that I have think whether it will be offensive or funny to deliver a joke at a certain moment. I am tired of having to think whether the person across me wants me to talk to her (and if I dont, I'll look like an elitist snob) or doesn't want to be bothered (so if I talk to her, I'll look like an intrusive b*).

Being who I am just takes too much energy out of me. If I had actually ran the marathons I ran in my head, I'd be Victoria's Secret model fit by now. But no. My mental exercise remains as it is... mental. And in the process, I just manage to exhaust myself internally which makes me cranky, frustrated and uncomfortable externally.

Oh, when will everything be less awkward and weird and uncomfortable? I want to retire from my marathoning already... and yes, I'm aware I'm just 22... but I want a new activity already, maybe sleep marathoning this time.  

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