Late Post!!!

I just found out that my last two posts (one written in March and one last week) weren't posted! Ugh! Now, I upload them at the same time at too late a date.

I know no one will really care because no one actually reads my blog but it is still very frustrating! Hay


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STORY: Bogart

Bogart, our old but trusty CRV, is officially gone. Actually, it was yesterday afternoon that Bogart left his parking spot for the past 17 months for good. I know he's a car. I'm not crazy... but I'm also not heartless. I can't help but feel so depressed about losing him... and more than 24 hours later, I still feel really sad (tears rolling down the cheek sad) about it.

He was a car but he was mine and my family's car. We didn't always have an "extra" car that was available to us at a whim. We would only have a car when my dad was around. Because of Bogart, my mom and sisters went to places at random days and random times. I also got to go to places ON MY OWN and even bring companions around.

Bogart, in a sense, gave us freedom and independence. I learned to drive in Bogart. Bogart was the first car I ever snuck away with in the night. I had my first parking ticket with him (I still keep it with me). I was able to fulfill my 6-year dream of driving Jose to school, too. I got lost with Bogart so many times but I also found my way with him. There were times I got so frustrated about taking the nth wrong turn and wished I had someone drive for me instead but if not for those (mis)adventures, I wouldn't have disovered new roads and routes I never understood as a passenger. I appreciated GPS with Bogart. No, I worshipped GPS. I actually enjoyed listening to a car radio with Bogart. I experienced overheating and the pain of car repairs. I also experienced pride in being able to take care of myself because I could bring myself home.

I laughed out of Bogart's open windows and I hid and cried behind his tinted windshield, too. I lay in the driver's seat and just enjoyed being by myself with Bogart. I belted tunes and danced on mornings I drove him to work. I was happy in my alone time... which Bogart afforded me and accompanied me in.
I miss Bogart. I miss him so much. If I had all the money in the world to maintain his growing needs, I would never let him go. I wish I could fight for him like I did the day I first laid eyes on him. I remember driving away from him when my dad told me to think some more before buying him. It was love at first sight and about 5 to 10 minutes away from Bogart's first owner's house, I had mu dad  take a u-turn back so I could pay for him and make him mine that same day.

There were times I almost regretted that day, when I'd have to shell out thousands for repairs... but today, no regrets at all. Only love and longing and a lot of missing.

I miss you Bogart. I hope I can get you back some day. For now, I hope your new owner gives you the makeover I have only imagined and hoped for you.

I love you, Bogart. See you on the road, buddy. I'd race you but knowing you, you'd already won.

STORY: Radio

I was never one to listen to radio. I'm a very visual person so I guess the idea of staring blankly didn't appeal to me. So it's no wonder that the most interaction I have with radio would be during drives and only if there was no CD or iPod available.

But tonight, as I tuned it to Papa Jack (don't ask, it's a work thing), I actually "see" the charm of this, dare I say, "ancient" medium. There's something warm and cozy about how laid back listening to the radio is. You have no way of telling what will happen next. There are no visual cues, no body language, no colors to give away what will happen next. So you don't bother and just pause your brain, sit back and listen to whatever plays. You are forced to stay at present and let things come to you as they unfold.

And because you have no idea what will happen next, you get this nice, tingling, surprise feeling in your stomach when just the right song plays at the perfect time. Almost like it's saying something to you.

I want to blabl about radio some more but right now, 1205am after a week of sunrise bedtimes, all I can hear the radio saying is SLEEP. And so I shall. Good mornight!

THEORY: Content

Growing up, we are taught two opposing things:

1. Be contented with what you have.
2. Never be contented. 

For years, no one ever pointed out (to me, at least) that this contradiction was going to be a problem. Well, some may have noticed it early on but no one ever actually clarified (again, to me, at least) how we were going to live by these two ideals at the same time without going crazy. Well, those two ideals finally collided tonight and I'm trying to recover from the explosion. 

How can I be ever contented with what I have? I mean, especially with where I am now, discovering the world for the first time on my own with new found financial freedom, how can you expect me to just be contented? Two years ago I couldn't book myself a plane ticket. I couldn't even afford an out of town trip without any help from my parents. Fast forward to two years of work and surviving (well, technically I still rely on my parents for the life essentials) through my own money, I have booked more than one ticket in the past quarter alone. Imagine, I have two more trips lined up this year and I'm still itching to book another! With that fast a climb on the financial capacity scale, the expectations have climbed even faster. I can't help but feel that everything is and should be within reach given the short time it took for me to go from zero to well, more than zero. I can't help but feel that everything is possible and that I just have to find a way to make it happen. If I become contented, it feels like I'm wasting so much potential growth, success, experiences, and many, many more. 

Of course, never being contented gets exhausting. Then it becomes frustrating. Then it ultimately ends with bitterness and sadness. Never being contented is just another way of placing your happiness side by side with the horizon - it will aways be out of reach. 

Don't get me wrong. I want to be contented. I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking of what could be and start appreciating what is. Actually, I used to be that way. I would value everything I had and would be very hesitant to spend whatever I am able to earn in fear of spending it on something I don't really need. I mean, why should I buy anything more than what I need when I'm already so contented with how I'm getting by? It was a long time since I didn't constantly yearn for something more but I remember vaguely that I was more carefree and definitely happier. 

But then again, once you've opened your eyes, there's no way to unsee what has been seen. I know what's out there and I know that I can (well, try to) get there. I know I will have to scramble from payday to payday to afford this kind of lifestyle of always wanting more but it's so hard to live life any other way. I want to save. I want to be able to breather easy even if it's been more than a week since the last pay check. I want to feel confident that should there be an emergency, I've got myself covered. But it's so easy to talk about savings and the future and stability than actually living it. It's even harder when I look around and see people who did those things and see that they haven't even stepped foot into this world I'm now experiencing. I can't help but feel very, very sad for them. I don't look down on them like I'm better though. Let's have that one clear. I look at them with so much regret. Sayang. Such a waste. They've spent so many years (none of which they can get back) making sure that five years from now they would be exactly where they are, when they could have been making this year something they'd be looking back to five years from now. 

I'm sounding so preachy now and I want to slap myself for it. But I'm actually just preaching all of this to myself. I am very confused. I know that I should be saving and should be learning to get by with the essentials but I also want to grab opportunities as they come. I know I should be contented but I also feel that I shouldn't be. Either way I miss out on something. Either way I get frustrated. Both ways will make me unhappy. 

With that point, maybe the question all this time shouldn't be about what makes us happier rather what makes us less sad. I guess that's a more realistic question. Then again, it didn't make deciding between the two any easier. 

So, to be contented or not to be contented? That is the question [I will sleep with tonight].

Dropping by

It's been a while, blog.

Since I last visited, I've read a couple books (which I haven't done in a looooong time) and I've got into and got over a few series. (which I've been doing for the longest time anyway, so new news there). The old me would've raved or ranted about any or all of those but the new me seems to find other things more pressing at the moment... like playing with make up and taking selfies then being confident enough to post them then embarassed the moment someone brings it up outside the online world.

I guess I've changed over the past couple of months. And though I have changed many times before, this change is an internal thing. No outside event forced me to be this way, well, directly. I wasn't hurt by anyone nor did I meet anyone new. I guess this time I didn't need to, I just wanted to change.

And though the new me isn't as frequent a blogger as the old me, the new me (and all versions ever) is still too talkative to not have anything to post every once in a while.

'Til the next post.

P.S. This doesn't mean I don't miss you. I do. But not because you miss something, you go running back to it even if doesn't feel right. Yes, right in the heart, there. Sorry.


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