STORY: Flasback, Maybe

This morning, as I was getting dressed (quite hurriedly actually), I was able to blast some songs from my dock like I usually do. Since I share the room with my sister and school's been out for about a month now, I couldn't really make much noise in the morning with her still sleeping. Usually, by the time I start prepping for work, she'd already be in school so I always had the room to myself and my loud and random playlist. But for the past month, I had to settle with silence. I have gotten quite used to it actually that having music playing felt surprisingly new. 

Anyway, one of the songs that blasted was Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." The first thought that went to my head was the video of Jose's college classmates (who were 17-18 at that time) dancing to the song. I first found out about that song through that video, actually. As I thought about that video and how I stumbled upon it due to my paranoid-girlfriend and too-old-to-be-a-teen-too-young-to-be-an-adult phase, I realized how distant my current self is from my past self. I no longer care about what 18 year olds are doing and I definitely do not have the slightest desire to be able to do any of those. I remember watching that video and having a mini reflection on my life. I started worrying about how everything was over for me since I was already 20. I suddenly felt so jealous that these kids had the next few years of their lives planned out and that they had the freedom to do so many things, making mistakes being one of them. I felt all the pressure crash down on me and it left me clueless and scared and lost. 

Fast forward to 2 years later, I look back and think of how silly I was. I couldn't see where my panic and worry was coming from. Being in your 20s totally beats being in your teens. I have more freedom than these 18 year olds have combined and I even have the money to pay for all the things I want to do with my freedom. I don't have the next few years of my life planned out but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. When you're in your teens, life is laid out for you. When you are in your 20s, you lay your own plans. You direct the pace, the direction, the company, everything! 

In short, with just that one song and that one flashback, I suddenly found a sense of satisfaction with where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm turning out to be. I can't believe I ever dreaded entering my 20s. Right now, I wish I could stay in my 20s forever! It's so much fun being able to make plans, act them out and not  be obliged to worry about things other than your own actualization! It's sounding selfish but this is the only time in any one's life that being selfish is actually encouraged. I am so thrilled to be in this phase of my life. I'm actually excited to turn 23! 

STORY: Tuesday Mess

There are days when the universe just decides to pick on you. Maybe this is payback for all the times I decided I had the power to just pick on my sisters. Maybe. I don't know. I just know that it is just 11:41am on a Tuesday yet it feels like I've messed up enough things to keep me buried in shame until the end of the year. 

You know, every time I'm situations like these, I tell myself, "Never again." I tell myself that I should never, ever f*ck up this bad again. I never want to be in the same situation, feeling this terrible, terrible feeling of stupidity, failure and worthlessness. But it is never "never again." It is always "always again." To save some face, I have to share that I don't mess up with the same things over and over. It's always a different thing. But why can't I ever perfect anything? Once, twice, even thrice is reasonable... but I've been doing this thing for almost two years now... when can I do something without any thing going wrong?

I'm just tired of always thinking I've got something mastered only to realize the next minute I don't. And I'm not a very confident person at that ha. It takes a very long time for me to tel myself that I actually know what I'm doing so imagine the pain it must feel to tell yourself that you thought wrong. 

Hay, life. I know I've asked this time and time again but I won't stop until you listen... please be kind to me. Please.