THEORY: Jose


I've been with Jose for over six years and my love for him only continues to grow and deepen. I can't explain it and I don't even know why I try to but I just want to immortalise this feeling of joy, gratitude and love. I still don't understand what I have done in my life to deserve him, but I'd rather not dwell on that because the universe might realize it and take him back. 

I never thought I could ever feel this way about anyone. I'm happy when he's happy and I'm sad when he's sad. And though I often act like I don't care about how he feels (when I hurt him when we fight), I actually just try so hard to stand my ground and stop myself from crying and hugging him and wishing I never had to hurt him in the first place. At times, when we argue and I get so mad and think of calling it quits, I start imagining my life without him. I think of all the scenarios I have to face without him and I begin to feel I can do without him. But after a few minutes, about 10 scenarios into my imagination, I see my future self sad and regretful in a world without Jose. Then I snap back into my present, angry self and look at Jose. I stay mad on the outside but inside, I'm just one hug away from being okay again.  

A lot of times, I catch myself just staring at Jose. I find comfort in knowing that I have this person beside me, that I am privileged enough to just look at him and see him smile. He gets very self conscious, though. He stops smiling or laughing when he catches me looking at him so I try not to get caught. 

There are times when I share my feelings with him out of the blue. I tell him how grateful or happy I am to just be with him at that moment but he often just brushes me off.  He doesn't like being mushy or having honest conversations about feelings. His default reaction is getting pissed or annoyed at me. Over the years I just accepted that being vocal about his feelings is just not his thing. But even so, he still always manages to make me feel so loved, cared for and special. Just like yesterday, he texted me "Sorry" after dropping me off at home. I asked him why and he said he was sorry he couldn't make me any happier. How can I be any happier when he already managed to make me the happiest? 

With so many years between us, I've seen him grow into a person who is willing to bend and do anything within his means for me but also grow into a person who is very aware of what he is and is not. He's given me more than I could ever ask for and he continues to exceed his own bar every time, like that is even possible. I love Jose so much and there's nothing I want more, in this moment, than to know that I will have him forever. 

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