I don't know why, but the moment I laid eyes on Rphael two years ago (has it really been two years!!!), I just fell in love with him. We aren't related (of course, duh) but there was just something about him that made me feel connected to him. In hindsight, maybe because it was he looked like a tiny version of Jose. I guess it was that. But then he started calling me "Tita" and learning all these adorable new things and I fell in love with him for more than just looking like his tito Jose, the love of my life haha.
Anyway, I've spent a number of posts whining about how I miss blogging instead of just blogging. So here I go. Let's see if I can still do this right.
Today we went to visit Jose's sister's new house (mansion, actually) for Christmas lunch. It's been built from the ground up starting two years ago and there's still a few months until it's finally finished. But when we visited today, It was already looking really fancy. There are a lot of touch ups and major construction left for the back end of the place but its already liveable.
Anyway, as Jose and I were resting on one of the many couches in the massive house, we started talking about our own future home. Maybe its our ageing or we've just simply been together for so long but we can't help but slowly mentally put together our own little home. Before, we used to just joke about it so we could create the better looking home at Sims. But as the years went by, we've really talked about the details of things - like the location, the number of rooms, who would live with us (if any!!!). And this afternoon, sitting in his sister's new house where she would start her new family, just made our yearning for our dream home much stronger.
I've never imagined anything grand. I just want a place where I can finally have my own space and privacy and freely invite people over. I'm not a sociable person but when the social butterfly in me does decide to come out, I would really prefer that people just come over to my place. I am most happy when I can sit at home and just watch movies and eat snacks straight from the fridge without any strangers watching over me or waiting for me to leave or judging how I eat. But since I've never lived in a house that is conducive to such activity, I have to go to restaurants or malls or go to other people's homes (well, by other people's home, I mean Jose's).
I'm still dreaming that I can get my family a house that can finally give us this but the reality of it just keeps kicking back in. I get even sadder when I realize I'd have to choose over building a house for my parents and siblings or my own house for my new family. I know I won't be able to afford both in my lifetime so I'll leave that painful decision to the future. For now, I'll just find joy in the possibility of me living in my own home in the future where I can welcome everyone I love.
I've always, always dreamed of having my own home someday. At first, I wanted to build it from scratch... have all my fantasy details come to life. As the years went by, I was ol to buy a house already made, as if what's stopping me is merely my preference. Fast forward to today, I think I may havebu consciously pushed my dreams of having a home aside. It's still one of my heart's biggest desires, since I've never really had a a e to really call my own, but the reality of the dream is just too painful to face.
Just thinking of my dream house makes me feel depressed. What I used to spend hours daydreaming about (actually, I even go as far as drawing and creating 3d models of it!), has now become a source of pain. The helplessness I feel for not being able to give the dream house to myself and my family just hurts so much.
I don't know what to do. I've never wanted money to rule my decisions in life but with what I'm feeling now, it looks like money will be one of my biggest decision makers. Which is anothet realization that makes me sad. I dont want to be a slave to money but only by being such can I fulfill my dream. Ugh. There's just no winning!