I don't know if "confused" is the correct word to describe what I'm feeling now but it's the closest I can think of at the moment. If I postpone this until I've found the right word, I may not write this thing at all. So, let's just imagine what "confused" feels like and add in a little controlled excitement and feeling displaced and being in the dark with little bursts of light coming in now and then.
Anyway, whatever word captures that feeling, I've been feeling it for the past three weeks. I'm still trying to find how I fit in this new world I entered, without making it obvious to everyone else how hard it is for me. The last thing I want is for people to see me as the person who couldn't adapt to a little (well, a little big actually) change.
Well, time has not made anything easy for me so far, if that's what you're thinking. That in time, I will just find my place and everything will be like it was before (although the last time I felt like this, it took a little less than two years to finally feel at home!). Then again, it has only been three weeks and in one of those, I basically did nothing but rearrange my files and curate wedding decor pegs (not for my wedding, okay!) So I guess I'm just panicking and feeling a little agitated that things aren't progressing as fast as I imagined it. I thought by this time I'd already be a fully functioning part of a well-oiled machine. But I'm still a loose screw finding how she fits and desperately wants to help.
I've never really acknowledged this unnamed feeling until now, so why I'm so upset about the next part of my story is only making sense to me now. So what's the story already??? Well, there's this person who since the first meeting, already felt a little off to me. Not that there was anything wrong with the person but I kind of felt that we were not pieces meant to fit. I would observe how this person talks and carries h**self and I couldn't really pinpoint what it was. There was just something I didn't quite like. Was it the person's lack of humility (if only I kept tally of how many times I heard this person say "I" and "me," I'd have solid proof... but I'm not that crazy... yet.) or his surplus of confidence? I'm not sure. But I ignored that. I blamed it on my unnamed feeling. Maybe I was just agitated and was just overthinking everything.
But what happened today - how this person talked to me and how this person made me feel that I did not know anything, how this person not only reminded me but emphasized that I was just a loose screw trying to find purpose in an already functioning machine - that validated it. It wasn't my unnamed feeling. It was really h**. Sure my unnamed feeling has made me exaggerate how I view things but this instance was just really as bad as I felt it was. I mean, I could have just let it slide. But there was just something about being at the receiving end of those demeaning words that tells me I shouldn't! I couldn't fire back right there and then because I didn't have all the facts. When I fight my battles, I only do it with confidence. And since confidence was lacking at that moment, I had to retreat (oh, my pride!)
But... I don't really believe in revenge. I believe that things will happen to people when they should happen. So, I'll let whatever force take care of h**. As for me, that incident only motivated me to speed things up (as much as I can! I've been trying to, really!) so that I can be part of the machine and let h** know, with confidence, that you don't talk to people like that no matter how new or old they are!