STORY: What do I want?

I was listening to Alphaville's Forever Young on Spotify on the way home and it was one of those moments when a song you've heard so many times before suddenly becomes a trigger for some self reflection. When the chorus came up, I couldn't help but try and answer the question, "Do you really want live forever? Forever young?"

For the past months, I've been finding myself reflecting about mortality and what the purpose of everything is more often. It's not my birthday nor is anyone dying or dead for me to suddenly be aware of how everyone ages and eventually dies so this sudden obsession with figuring out how I feel about dying someday is weird, even for me.

But since I'm me, I entertain the thoughts anyway. I keep thinking about how it would feel to be old. What would my concerns be? What would my motivations be? What would my purpose in my family, in society, in life be? When you're 23, you don't worry about these things. You know you're needed somewhere somehow no matter how unskilled or uneducated you are. Your youth is all that matters. Your opinion is even constantly sought after. But what happens when one day you wake up a sixty year old person with no one concerned about what you thought about the latest movie, song or artist? What happens when you have nothing else to save up for? What if you work for the sake of work but no one really needs you to do it? Or what if you're sixty and you're still doing something you hate? What then? If there is still time to correct mistakes or achieve some dreams, will it still matter? Or what if you've accomplished all your dreams, can you still dream up new ones?

All these questions unanswered. And that's just the first part! Part of me wants to grow old and get life over with. I feel like I'm in one big race and sometimes when I'm tired I want to cut to the finish line already. Then all the questions above come in then I start to question what is so special about the finish line anyway. I mean, what would it feel like to suddenly not be doing what you've been doing forever to get to some place to not do what you've been doing anymore? Does that even make sense?
It's a weird and seemingly unending reflection process. But out of all of it, I actually realized one thing... you can actually fear something you want. I want to find peace after all these steps and phases and paths at the end of my life. But I'm also afraid of peace. When there's peace, there's nothing else to do! And being purposeless is scary!

I wonder if sixty year olds are feeling or have felt the same things I am feeling now. I wonder if I would feel the same when I do reach 60. I wonder if this will even matter to me when I'm 60. Whatever the case, I'm still trying to figure out if I want to reach 60. But that's going to start a whole other set of questions and I have yet a song to inspire that discussion. 'Til then.

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